Merry Christmas!

Hope you are all having a Merry Christmas.

We certainly have had a busy weekend.  Friday my parents and I took O to get his picture taken with Santa and then to Zoo Lights.  Last night was our Big Extended Family Christmas Eve, and today we stayed home and had the party come to us.

O got everything he asked for from Santa Claus and then some, and now he's happily sleeping.  He's been fighting a cold that I really hope I don't get since I have my surgery in a few weeks!

Here is a photo of us opening presents this morning--check out ALL my hair!  (It's still short enough that a waiter called G & I "gentlemen" a few weeks ago...but compared to where it was...)

ANYWAY: hope you had a wonderful day wherever you are.

Auditioning for our Paul Frank Modeling Contract

Semantics

Things right now are pretty simple.  I have yet to experience any side effects from the Tamoxifen (Dr. Chui said most patients don't for about 6-8 weeks...)  So I just go in from time to time and have needles stuck in my tissue expanders and saline added until I get the size I want to be for reconstruction.

My reconstructive surgery is scheduled for January 17 and it is an outpatient procedure.  Dr. Hansen, my plastic surgeon, says the recovery is a "walk in the park" compared to what I've already experienced....here's hoping the anti-biotics don't cause a recurrence a c-diff!

Then, about two weeks after the reconstruction, my radiation treatments will begin: Monday through Friday for six-and-a-half weeks.  The good news in all of this is that if everything goes according to plan I'll be done with my treatments (except for the Tamoxifen) inside of a year of my diagnosis.

And in other news: my hair is coming back nice and thick everywhere except my eyelashes (which, aside from my head, is probably the one place I wish it would come back super thick!)  My fingernail is about 2/3rds grown out at this point...things are recovering nicely....

So I recently started thinking: Do I have cancer or should I say I've had cancer?  I mean, my hope is that I had it--that at this point it's all eradicated from my body. 

While I realize that it's really semantics, in some ways it really isn't!  The weirdest thing is I don't want to say it in past tense because I don't want to tempt the fates, kharma, or what/whomever I might be tempting to slap me down and teach me a lesson.  I'm oddly superstitious that way (you should see me when the Cowboys play...)

I guess until my treatments are over I'll just go with HAVING it, present tense, because the medical professionals are still behaving as though I do and that's good enough for me.

In other news, we had a Holiday Party at work last Friday night.  It was great catching up with co-workers and spouses (even if it meant talking A LOT about cancer...) I do okay talking about everything up until the topic of having another child comes up.  SO: NEW RULE: unless you want to talk to me about being a surrogate for Greg & I, I cannot engage in talk of having another child...it's too upsetting for me right now.

Also, I shouldn't be listening to Judy Garland sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" this year.  Even though it's my favorite, and she's my favorite, it pretty much makes me cry every time.  Better to sing "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas!"

Aloha!

I did NOT post any pictures of Hawaiian sunsets while we were away--and now we are back home.

However, we had a wonderful time.  Last Friday my sis, O & I flew over to Maui and met up with my parents.  Even though he's two-and-a-half, I have to say, O did great on the flight.  Special thanks to APPLE for inventing the iPad!

We had a wonderful, relaxing week in Ka'anapali.  The weather was great, we had a few meals out, two with old friends, a whale-watching cruise (saw LOTS of whales!)...all in all a great week.

I am especially grateful to my parents for all they did with O on this trip, making it even more relaxing.  I got to lay by the pool and read and read and talk to my sis.

Today, all 5 of us flew back and O did great again.  Right now, G is reading him his bedtime story.  We both missed G, and I could even sense little bouts of homesickness in O on this trip.  

Here's the obligatory family photo for your enjoyment:

I am also grateful to G who had a Christmas tree set up for us when we got home.  He would go without, but I'm a sap for Christmas decorations, and O was very excited to see it too.  This weekend we will deck the halls (within reason...) and I will (hopefully) get my cards ordered....

Finally, I'm grateful again for my wonderful co-workers, who took care of lots of business for me while I was away.  The chocolate-covered macadamia nuts are en route!

A Vague Sense of Things to Come

On Monday I met with Dr. Chui primarily just to check in.

He told me that the doctors had met to discuss my case and that I will be having my reconstructive surgery first (sometime after the first of the year) to be followed by the radiation treatments. 

Because we are waiting to start the radiation treatments, Dr. Chui started me on the tamoxifen Monday.  I am supposed to expect heat flashes as a result of this medication...haven't had one yet but sometimes it can take several weeks for it to "peak" and then hopefully mellow out.  There are other potential side effects, none of which are common or exciting enough to detail here and now.

I am also signed up for a clinical trial to study the effects of metformin vs placebo on recurrence and survival in early stage breast cancer.  Metformin is a drug normally used to treat diabetes, but there is some evidence that it can lower the ability of breast cancer cells to grow...I won't know if I'm getting the metformin or a placebo, but it can't hurt me either way so I figure I'll give it a shot.

The radiation treatments will begin about 2 weeks after my reconstructive surgery, and last 6-1/2 weeks, Monday through Friday. 

Today I go in for my first "fill" of the tissue expanders.  I have heard it compared to getting one's braces tightened, so: it won't be fun or comfy, but it won't be worse than what I've already been through.

And Friday...oh, Friday can't come soon enough!  On Friday, O, my sister and I board a plane headed for MAUI.  One glorious week in Hawaii awaits (we had scheduled this trip a year ago, before I even knew what was in store for me this year).  G has to stay home, having changed jobs in April of this year and not yet having enough vacation accrued...so he'll hold down the fort while I put my feet up and let my parents and sister spoil me and O!

I'll post a picture of the sunset next week.  Until then...have a great weekend.  Hope you're all doing a better job decorating for the holidays than I am. 

Happy Turkey Day

Hope you and yours had a wonderful and relaxing day.

Thought I'd share something that came in the mail earlier this week...I couldn't help but laugh:

Back to the Grind, part 2

Monday the 21st I returned to work.  It was a pretty uneventful day--two court hearings and some time at my desk.  If anything, the driving made me the most sore.

Since it's a slow week, I was able to take Tuesday off which was nice.  It gave me a chance to recharge.  I slept A LOT, so I guess Monday did take more out of me than I thought at the time.

I'm back today, Wednesday, and will work most of the day today with just one court hearing this afternoon.  Then a quick trip to the grocery store.

For Thanksgiving, we are having my sis and bro-in-law over to the house.  We've ordered our dinner from a local restaurant and pies from a local bakery to be picked up in the morning.  No cooking for this girl!  (Full disclosure: we usually order or Thanksgiving dinner from a local store or deli, because we work on Friday...so if Thanksgiving is truly going to be relaxing, why cook?  I'd rather watch football!)

And I'll head back to work Friday, while G & O stay home and party.

All in all, a good week to return to work.  My co-workers did a fantastic job staying on top of my caseload for me so there have been no major fires for me to put out since I've been back.  How will I ever repay them, seriously?

Back to the Grind

Tomorrow I will head back to work.

I haven't tried driving a card yet, so we shall see how that goes.  I will go to my desk, then to a court appearance at 9:00.  Then back to my desk and another court appearance at 1:30.

Right now, my plan is to go home after that 1:30 appearance.  By then I'll know if returning to the office was a huge mistake, and if I can work on Tuesday as well.

I'm still pretty sore, but I am definitely improving.  I am able to sit up for long periods of time, I can play with O for longer and longer, and I've even done a little laundry and picking up of toys.  So hopefully that means I'll be able to make it through a half day of work.  And it will be good for me: I've been suffering a bit from having an idle mind...and Google has not been my friend lately so it's time my mind was occupied with things other than Stage 3 Cancer!

Crying Jag!

Today is November 14th...the day I thought I'd be back to work before all of this started.  Last week, I realized that the goal of today wasn't realistic, but maybe I'd be better by Wednesday...but even that feels too optimistic at this point.

I really hate this feeling of being physically limited!  I doubt at this point I could even drive a car although I DO think I'll be able to do that by next week....

Last night (and then again this morning) I cried and cried about these feelings of being so limited.  It goes without saying that the hardest part of this is not being able to play with and care for O like I have in the past.  Not returning to work is also tough, and I dreaded sending an email today to my co-workers this morning about my delayed return.  I know that they expected it would be longer than I did, so I'm sure it came as no surprise to them...but I still hated admitting it.

Today I may even try to go shopping with G's Mom, my Mom and O.  It will be my first "outing" but I think it will be good for me to get out and be a bit more active.

But first: a nap.

Saddest 3 Words Ever

"Mommy all better?"

Yep, O asks that every day.  It makes me feel awful.  He does come up to see me as I hang out upstairs in our bedroom.  He will even occasionally sit next to me for a period of time and watch a movie or play on the iPad, so we are getting some quality time.

But I hate not getting to pick him up.

So, I'll tell you what I tell O: Not yet, but I'm getting better!

Yesterday I went to my parents' house with them and my Aunt B and Uncle M came over for a nice visit.  It was good to see them.  All I did was lay on the couch the whole time we were there, but I was definitely more tired and sore as a result of my big adventure.

In fact, I slept a lot more today.  I also tried to go a stretch without prescription painkillers.  Not quite there yet, but the time between doses is longer and longer, so I guess that's some progress.  I'm actually pretty amazed at how sore I still am, almost 2 weeks later.  It's not pleasant.  I had originally hoped to return to work Monday the 14th but I've already determined that's unlikely....I do think I can make it in next week though!  We shall see.

I promise: I'm not pushing myself.

Updates from Thursday's Appointments

Thursday was a big day of follow-up appointments with Dr. Chui (the oncologist), Dr. Naik (the breast surgeon) & Dr. Hansen (the plastic surgeon).

As far as those appointments went, I learned the source of my gastrointestinal distress is a little something called C-Diff.  While my situation is nowhere near as bad as it was when I posted last week, I am still experiencing some of the effects of c-diff (which I was told to expect....) at least a few times a day.  I have to say, it is frustrating to be trying to recover and get my strength up when it seems like nothing I eat stays in my system for very long.  On Thursday night, in fact, I even threw up my dinner...but I haven't thrown up again (knock on wood for me!) so that is at least some consolation in the stomach department.

I also learned the results of the pathology exam from my surgery.  We all knew that the left breast had cancer and that was certainly confirmed.  Likewise, my sentinel node had cancer and that was confirmed.  12 other lymph nodes were removed and they were all cancer-free which is certainly cause for celebration.

However, despite that, I met Dr. Marquez on Thursday as well, who says that my pathology, along with my age, require radiation treatments now too.  I was really disappointed to learn this.  First off, I just had in my mind that I'd get my implants after the first of the year and this was all going to be over with, so psychologically it's a let down to know that's not the case.  But more than that, the side effects of and time commitment to radiation are nothing to thumb your nose at.

Radiation is a daily treatment for six-and-a-half weeks.  (Full disclosure: I think I get weekends off...but I am not 100% sure).  Because of the location that will be radiated (specifically the proximity to my heart) they do a slower, shallower kind of radiation that takes about a half-an-hour as opposed to the more common radiation that takes about 5 minutes.  The radiation will scar about 20% of my lungs, so my career as a marathoner is over (ha ha).  It will also effect the elasticity of my skin in a way that will make my implant on the left side never sit naturally or as well as it would have otherwise.  And, finally, there will be fatigue.  A fatigue, according the radiologist, that is different than the chemo fatigue and in many ways more profound.  She said that the fatigue is worse at the end of each week and of course cumulatively worse throughout the treatment as well.

I cannot help but think of my co-workers--this whole time we've all been thinking I'd be back 100% by mid-December and this throws a total wrench in the works.  ESPECIALLY because right now, I can't even tell anyone when the treatments will start and stop, what time of day they will be, etc.

All that aside, the physical recovery from the surgery is slow but sure.  My drain tubes were removed on Thursday as well which was a HUGE relief.  As you might imagine, those added a great deal of discomfort and maintenance.  If I were to describe how I felt physically, it would be: very limited in movement and range, I feel a decent amount of pain though that is managed well with painkillers, and I feel like I'm wearing the world's tightest sports bra or ace bandage or something--it's just so, so tight around my chest it's almost indescribable.  I was told to expect it, so I'm not surprised, but it's difficult to put into words.

Tomorrow I hope to start really doing my physical therapy in an effort to loosen things up.  We'll see how it goes!

Quick Post: Good News / Bad News

So, in my previous post I mentioned that the antibiotics prescribed to me (Keflex / Cephalexin) might had resulted in some diarrhea.

I kind of understated that. I won't go into tremendous detail here, but let me put it to you this way: explosive diarrhea + a sore post-surgical body = my first investment in adult diapers...and I'm embarrassed to say it was not a waste in money.

Yesterday I was sent into the lab for some testing. I took a nap, woke up, and unloaded such a sample here I didn't know what I'd have left when I arrived at the lab. It turned out to not be much, but the lab assistant said it should be.

(Let's imagine together, for a moment, how awesome that little exchange was for him? Somewhere he's writing in his "I Wish I'd Just Gone to Med School" blog: A cancer patient came in today to provide a sample. We always offer our assistance and this chick, mercifully, turned us down. I could hear her through the door, though, struggling with the container and I was feeling kind of bad laughing every time the toilet flushed. I mean, really, whose idea was it to put auto-flushing toilets in a bathroom designed for specimen collections? When she came out and asked if her sample was a sufficient size I admit I had to a little fun with her by asking if it also contained urine? She said she tried really hard to keep the urine out, and I decided to let her off the hook and say it looked fine....)

ANYWAY: it was sufficient because I got a call from Dr. Hansen last night at about 8:45 telling me that she needed to switch me to Flagyl because the Cephalexin had promoted a bacteria resulting in the diarrhea. We found a pharmacy open until 10, she called it in, and my Dad headed out the door to go get it for me.

A side note here: G was already in bed, asleep when she called. He has had a long couple of days and nights. In addition to sitting in the hospital waiting for my surgery, worrying about how he was going to even tell me about the lymph node, etc, he has also had to sleep in bed with me...my parents have the guest bed. Sharing a bed with me is NORMALLY not a chore but I've been up several times throughout the night for long stretches of time which is disrupting his sleep. And his presence in the room during a pre-diaper incident, well...he didn't gag or anything (which he sometimes does with the dog and O!) Despite all of this, he started to get up to make the pharmacy run even though my Dad was awake and dressed.

He was really glad to have let my Dad make that run when his pager started going off at about 2, resulting in G leaving the house...

It still sucks more to be me than him, but when he left for work today I felt like it's the closest we've been in the race since we've started.

That's about it for now...the only real question now is: Flagyl, what have YOU got in store for me?

Home from the Hospital

Friday I had my bilateral mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy.

Here is a photo of the view from my room:

Thursday afternoon I went into the doctor for my mapping procedure--where a dye was injected into my breast.  Then during the surgery, Dr. Naik used a sensor to find the sentinel node and remove it.  It tested POSITIVE for cancer, so that meant more lymph nodes were removed.  The surgery lasted about 7 hours I think...not that I know, but it was a L - O - N - G day for Greg!

Of course, this news about the lymph node is a bummer to me, but in emailing with Dr. Chui he is confident this cancer did not grow or spring up during the chemo.  And remember: I did things a little backwards since most people have surgery first, then chemo!  I comfort myself with that reminder along with his optimism that my most effective course of treatment--tamoxifen--is still ahead of me.  This may also mean I have to do radiation (BOO!) but I will, of course, keep on fighting the good fight.

While in the hospital I was visited by surgeons, plastic surgeons, physical therapists, nurses, CNAs, friends & family.   They brought me fun breathing toys and exercise handouts and discharge plans.

I've been sent home and have accumulated quite a collection of drugs: anti-biotics (which have, unfortunately, given me horrible diarrhea), pro-biotics (which I was not pro-active enough about...but am being so now), laxative (yeah...not taking that) anymore, lorazepam (taking that), anti-nausea meds (taking that), anti-diarrheal meds (taking that), oxycodone (lots of that), ibuprofen & acetaminophen.

I also have lovely draining tubes inserted into the sides of my chest and pinned to my shirt.  I empty them every handful of hours.  SUPER-glamorous, you guys!

Before....

....and after!

Since returning home I've basically had NO appetite to speak of.  I did force myself to eat toast today so I could take a pro-bioitic.  I also waffle between being FREEZING COLD and shivering to being overheated and drenched with sweat.  I honestly look like a bald NBA player with perspiration dripping down my face.  It's crazy & gross, especially since I can't wear any deoderant or anti-perspirant.

I think what I'm getting at, here, people, is that the last few days have basically sucked.  My prognosis is slightly worse but presumably not fatal, I'm smelly and sweaty and then have shivers so bad my muscles hurt, my incision sites are tender but according to people who know better than I do, they are "lovely..."

On the plus side: O trick-or-treated for the first time ever tonight (as Sheriff Woody) with his Granny and Daddy, and I'm winning my Fantasy Football game.  So there's that.

I'm sure later this week my post will be better and more optimistic, so you'll need to check back in then...Until then, keep on keepin' on!

Tomorrow's The BIG DAY

In a few short hours I will head to the nuclear medicine department at OHSU to have a dye injected into my lymph nodes for tomorrow's sentinel node biopsy.

We'll have a quiet night at home tonight.  I have to shower tonight, and again tomorrow (apparently they want me really, really clean!) and, of course, NO food or drink after midnight tonight.

I will check in for my surgery at 8:30 in the morning, so I wouldn't expect to be all done by mid to late afternoon tomorrow.  Realistically, my next post here won't be for at least a couple of days but I would say No News is Good News and just check back after Halloween to see what I've been up to!

To those of you who have sent notes my way over these last few days, thanks.  As you can imagine, I've been busy at work (having played a little pre-surgical hooky in Chicago) getting my caseload ready for my co-workers to cover while I'm away, so I haven't had a chance to respond to each note personally.  That does not mean your notes go unread or unappreciated, though!

SO: until the next post, thanks for your positive energy, prayers, and thoughts that you may choose to send my way tomorrow. 

The Windy (& Pink) City

HEY!

Did you know OCTOBER is BREAST CANCER AWARENESS month?  (From now on, that's BCA for short.)

Once again, I'm reminded of that at almost every turn...and I guess it's nice but also, yeah, I am aware of that.

On Friday, G and I left Portland for a long weekend in Chicago.  This is the first time we've both left O alone at the same time.  I confess I shed some tears when I dropped him off at daycare Friday morning.  I think that's due in part to the fact that not only will I not see him this whole weekend, but then I get back and within 72 hours I'll be having my surgery.  And once I have my surgery there's no picking up O for I don't know how long...but weeks.  And that's going to be REALLY REALLY HARD (for me....he's a resilient little dude who will relish the additional time with Daddy, Granny & Grandpa).

ANYWAY: G has a conference here and I'm tagging along for fun.  Friday night we had dinner at a restaurant attached to our hotel and there in the bar menu was the drink that, if ordered, would result in $1 being donated to BCA.

Then on Saturday, I met my sorority little sister miss liz at 900 N. Michigan to shop.  It was so great to see her and catch up--it had been exactly a year since we were last together at Whittier College's Homecoming!  At the Mall, I learned that Bloomingdale's is REALLY into BCA month...

Elsewhere in the city, buildings have pink lights....here's a pic from last year I found online:

Last night we had dinner out and in the elevator at the hotel there was a lady with a pink Hard Rock Guitar pin, complete with the BCA pink ribbon.

I'm just saying, there are lots of reminders.  It gets to be a bit much, but then I guess I'm glad that I don't have some other cancer like Ovarian Cancer because I'd probably be even MORE annoyed!  I mean, can you imagine having some other type of cancer?  What a bummer Breast Cancer month would be. 

I guess I just need to let this all go, right?  I mean, I'm on vacation...I need to just relax and enjoy myself whether surrounding by pink or not.  It has been nice and relaxing so far.  Tomorrow I will go with G for the keynote address of the conference, then meet another friend from college for lunch!  It's so great that I'm getting to catch up with people while we're here...

Other than that, not much to report.  This time next week I'll probably be home in an upright position complaining about my surgery.  I've definitely got some anxiety about all that, but I'll be glad it's OVER!  Before I left town I got all of my pre-op appointments done--blood work, flu shot, chest xray & EKG on Wednesday--and all look good.

Think Pink

Hey!  Did you know OCTOBER is Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

I have to admit, I paid much less attention to such things this time last year...and while I mostly find it touching occasionally it can be a bit much...

That having been said, some things have been really amazing to me.

First, as I already mentioned, a co-worker and friend ran her first 5K in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.

Another co-worker and friend is on a Dragon Boat team in Portland that honors those who have breast cancer, and I was on their list:

Once again, my technological savvy fails me on the "Rotate Image" front...

And still ANOTHER co-worker and friend has boys who play football.  Pink gear was "optional" and his son was the only one who wore it in honor of "Booby Cancer" as they call it at their place.

And, finally, my Whittier College sorority (technically we're not really a "sorority," we're called the Metaphonian Society) participated in a Pink Shawl walk and surprised me with these photos on Facebook:

It's funny, because I really, truly find these gestures all so very touching.  

Contrast that with today, when I'm at OHSU for my appointments and there is another obvious breast cancer patient who wants to talk / bond and I am just so...not...into it.  I know that's weird, and I have no idea why I feel that way but I do.

As for today's appointments: I had a mammogram and ultrasound and verified what Dr. Chui and I have known for a while--the tumor has shrunk by more than half.  

I also met with my breast surgeon, Dr. Naik, and Nurse Christine to review what to expect on my surgery.  Dr. Naik says I should expect to take 3-4 weeks to recover completely.  That seems like a long time for a surgery that only requires a one or two night hospital stay...but there's lots to look forward to during those weeks--chest tightness, draining tubes that have to be emptied twice a day, sleeping sitting up for the first several days, not being able to lift my arms above shoulder-height--just MORE glamour for ME!

I do have some films from my first mammogram and the one today.  I am going to compare them and see if the untrained eye can really tell the difference between the two.  If so, I will try to scan them and post them here in the next couple of days...

A Long Overdue Update

The only problem with blogging is when you don't do it for a while, people start to worry.

There is nothing to be worried about, though--things here are fine!  I have just been tired and there really hasn't been much to report.

As you know, the 29th was my last day of chemo and I am very happy to be done with all of that!  The cumulative effects of the A/C and the leftover effects of Taxol have definitely taken their toll.  I'm very, very tired.  I go to work to cover my own appearances and then go home to nap until the next one.  As you know, I had a fingernail removed last week and that has taken some getting used to.  The nail bed is very tender and a bit tight as well.  The finger doesn't bend as well, but that's probably just a matter of keeping it soft with lotions.  Every day it hurts a little less, though, so that is good.  According to the doctor it will take about 6 months before it grows back.  I'm done with the antibiotics and am happy to report that the feared side effects were prevented, but my stomach was quite upset the whole week and it's tough to know whether that was from the chemo, the antibiotics, the probiotics or some combination...

This past week G and his brother went on a trip which meant O & I getting spoiled at our house by my parents.  It's been nice again, even if my Mom's gotten a bit crazy with her home re-org....

The long and short of it, though: every day is a bit better and I am anxious to get my strength up and get my surgery DONE.  Next week I will have my pre-op mammogram, ultrasound, and meeting with my surgeon Dr. Naik.

Until then, I don't know that there will be much to report.  We're just having a nice relaxing weekend for now and we'll see what this week has in store for me.

What's Grosser than Gross?

Today was my last day of chemo: HOORAY!!!  More on that for another post, because the day was overshadowed significantly by another problem.

As I've mentioned before, I am going to lose my fingernails because of the Taxol's effects on my nail beds. A few weeks ago, the middle finger on my left hand was really bad, and I complained a lot because it was draining and, therefore, GROSS.

Here is a photo of my left hand, and you can get a sense of how the nails are separating from the nail beds:

On Tuesday morning, the middle finger on my right hand started to get that same greenish tint the left one had had weeks ago.  Only this time: no draining.  

By Wednesday, it was really becoming a problem.  Despite soaking it in warm salt water, there was no relief.  

THIS is Grosser than Gross!!!!

Late Wednesday afternoon, I emailed Dr. Chui, because I was ready to drill a hole in the top and relieve the pressure.  SHOCKINGLY, he was not a fan of my doing that....instead he prescribed some antibiotics.

Overnight, I slept with my arm elevated and while I did sleep (thank you, old percocet prescription from the biopsy!) I dreamt about the pain in my finger throughout the night.

This morning, I woke up and it was worse than yesterday.  Everything I did--coughing, moving, etc--hurt so badly I didn't know what to do.  I emailed Dr. Chui and told him that there had been little to no relief from the antibiotics and the pain was much worse.  Then I called my Mommy and cried.  I'm not too proud to admit that!

And these two pictures are Grosser than Grosser than Gross!

These photos actually do not do it justice--the swelling of the finger pad was so bad I thought that my skin honestly might split open!

Dr. Chui referred me to dermatology.  At first, they said they only had an opening at 4:00, but something magical happened between the oncology schedulers and the dermatology schedulers because I got a call at 10:30 asking me if I could get there within an hour?  Answer: YES, so off we went to dermatology.

I got shot up with lidocaine:

GROSSEST!  (My sister pointed out that this looks like a Halloween Novelty Finger)

And then they pried the the nail off.  Apparently, a noteworthy amount of goo oozed out if the 4 doctors' reactions were any indication.  I did not watch so I can't tell you for sure....

Now, the local anesthesia has started to wear off and the oxycontin I was prescribed is working, but my finger hurts.  It's not the same awful pain from this morning, but it's not good.  I can't tell you what it looks like, because it's covered up:

Tomorrow, in addition to going in for my last Neulasta shot, I will go back in to dermatology and have the dressings removed and they will check out my finger to make sure the infection didn't spread to the bone or surrounding tissue, and I'll get the results of the cultures so we can figure out the best antibiotic for me to take (in the meantime, I'm on two--one of which has a potential side effect of explosive diarrhea, so I'm also downing probiotic capsules and Nancy's yogurt like a crazy person).

It's just all so glamorous, isn't it?

Guuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh.....

This whole thing can be so frustrating sometimes.

After basically staying home Tuesday and all day Wednesday, I returned to work yesterday and I felt better than I have in several days if not weeks.  My co-worker, LF, pointed out that a little rest will go a long way and I conceded that fact...

Then at some point early this morning I was sort of awake-sort of asleep-but I realized I had the chills again despite having dreams about being in a too hot, stuffy room...not again, I thought.

Once Greg woke up I asked him to feel my forehead and tell me if I had a fever.  He said no.  Still, I thought I might so I got up and took my temperature.  100.7.  I.  Am.  So.  Annoyed.

So I got up, took O to daycare, and went into work to cover a hearing and now I'm back home in bed.  Special thanks to co-worker JC who is going to cover a late afternoon hearing for me so I can stay here in bed...and try to get better.

I have to say, though, that this up and down fever is getting really old at this point.  I would like it to stop.

That is all.

Options

As you know, this is a blog about breast cancer.  The phrase "breast cancer" is such a part of our consciousness and society with all the pink ribbons and everything that I almost forget that at its core this blog is about my boobs!

I've tried to be pretty honest and share my anxieties, complaints, good times and bad on this blog...I know a lot of people read it, friends of my parents, co-workers, a few judges....

Which is why I have to warn you now, reader, that this particular blog entry is going to be about

MY BOOBS

so, if reading about my boobs is going to make you uncomfortable, 

Today I met with the plastic surgeons and discussed my options.

Basically, there are two.

First, I could do a DIEP Flap Reconstruction, which would use my own tissue and fat from my abdominal area to re-build my breasts.

THE PROS:

• it would be all natural
• I'd basically get a tummy-tuck to boot
• I for sure could do it on the same day as my mastectomy

THE CONS:

• the surgery itself is 12-16 hours on top of the mastectomy
• I will be in the hospital 5-7 days assuming all goes well with the surgery
• as ample as I feel my stomach is, it really wouldn't result in a size upgrade
• the recovery time is much longer given the two surgical sites on my body
• it is not ideal if I am planning on having another child

Second, I could get implants.

THE PROS:

• I can go up a cup size (I should note, that when I said that to the surgical resident she replied, "Yes, so you'd be proportionate..." Not an ego boost!)
• I will be out of the hospital in a day or two at the longest

THE CONS:

• It is unlikely I will be able to do both on the same day--the plan would be to put expanders in (and go in once every week or so until the surgery to add liquid to the expanders) and then I'd have another out-patient surgery about two months after the mastectomy
• Implants should be replaced every 10 years or so

After talking with the surgeons and G, I've decided that for where I am in my life right now, the implants are the better option although I really really wanted to get it all done at once.  

At least the reconstruction is an out-patient procedure....and in general I think the recovery will be better.  O has had to deal with a half-energy Mommy long enough!

I was also told that I could do a DIEP procedure later in life if I wanted to change things out.  That gives me plenty of time to eat more Ben & Jerry's and go double-D!

Home Again, Home Again

This congestion is starting to really be a drag.

I am beginning to think my brain has sprung a leak!!!!

My nose is stuffed and I'm also coughing a lot which I think is more related to the runny nose than any indication that the infection has migrated to my chest...and while I don't seem to have a fever per se, I am achy again too.

So yesterday I went into work in the morning to cover my hearings and then came home and crawled into bed.  And this morning I woke up ready to head in, but I still don't feel great, so I decided to stay home again.

This is a weird feeling for me.  I tend to be a "death's door" sick person--meaning, I have to almost pass out in the shower or something before I'll call in sick.  But I'm trying to remember that even though this isn't a horrible cold, I need to do a better job taking care of myself to prevent it from becoming one than if I weren't going through all this other stuff....

Luckily I have great co-workers who are willing to help me out or this would be much, much harder.

So for now I'm just sitting here, waiting for my nose to stop running.

And despite not feeling 100%, I will go to my doctor's appointment today: my plastic surgery consult.  Hopefully I will have a clearer understanding of what my options are after today.

Don't Ask....

On Friday I ran into a defense attorney friend of mine who started to ask, "How are you doing?" but he stopped himself and instead said, "That's a stupid question--hope you're hanging in there."

I have to say, it was AWESOME to not have to answer that question.  Because here's the thing: I want to tell you I'm hanging in there, doing great, etc., and I think that's what you want to hear.

Truth is, every day after A/C is a struggle.  Not a 24-7 struggle, but as I've already described I'm exhausted and I just don't feel good.  Do I have the worst of the worst side effects? No.  Will I survive this?  Yes.  Do I need more and more help to make it through the day?  Yes.  Do I like feeling dependent on the kindness of others?  No.

Also, if I were going to start to tell you the truth about how I'm doing, there exists an ever-increasing chance I'll start to CRY when I talk to you about it, too.  Yep, I'm getting weepier by the day, just one more thing I hate about all of this.  I think the weepiness is directly correlated to the exhaustion.  I'm just raw and the defenses are completely down...

Speaking of weepy, my friend Janet ran with another friend today in the Race for the Cure with a sign that said, "Shuffling for Heidi."  Teachers in O's daycare class also walked the event today.  These sweet gestures ALSO make me weepy, but in a good way.  So congratulations and my thanks to the people who were at the race today maybe not just because of me, but who thought of me while they were doing it.  Next year I hope to join you.

High Maintenance

As I head out to my third A/C treatment I am realizing how high maintenance this whole thing is getting.

My cold continues to be an issue and I'm now coughing more than I was, though I feel better so that is good.  I haven't had a significant fever since Saturday (though I've had some low-grade fevers throughout the week) and that has been nice.  In an effort to help with all the extra nasal fluids Greg went out over the weekend and got me a Neti Pot.  Now that I have the hang of it it's not so bad but those first few attempts were no fun.  It does seem to help at night with congestion and coughing so I'll keep up with it.

This week my nails began to separate from the nail beds.  Hot.  Even more hot?  The nail beds are getting infected.  Most hot of all?  Dr. Chui assures me my nails are going to fall off since this is happening.  There is nothing to prevent that from happening at this point, but to keep the infections at least managed I am having to treat my nail beds with soaks of water and hydrogen peroxide a few times a day.

SO: add Neti Pot & Finger Soaks to the list including special mouthwash(es) four times daily, antacid in the morning, steroids in the mornings after treatment, vitamins, ativan & tylenol in the evening....and I'm one high maintenance chick these days!

Thanks to everyone for your sweet notes about Emmitt.  We miss him, but it was really the right thing to do.  He was at the end.

Otherwise things here are plugging along.  I will be glad to be done with today, even though it means by Saturday I'm going to be feeling bad again.

BUT I'll be able to tell myself: ONLY ONE MORE after today so that's something to look forward to, instead of just thinking about today's appointment with DREAD.

12 Good Years

In the summer of 1999 I graduated from law school, took and passed the bar, and moved back home.  I wanted a cat really bad and as luck would have it my Aunt and Uncle's neighbors had a pregnant kitty.

When I went to pick, I thought FOR SURE I was going to take one of the black kittens with green eyes and name her Scarlett, but then I saw the runt of the litter and I was smitten.  He was the tiniest silver and gray kitty ever, so I snatched him up and named him Emmitt (after Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys...who I would meet in 2006 and exclaim, "I named my cat after you!" like a crazy woman....)

As soon as he had his own food source Emmitt was a runt no more!  When Emmitt and I moved in with Greg and his golden retriever, Griffey (I thought it was pretty fateful that we had both named our pets after sports stars...) he REALLY packed on the L-Bs.  We would wake in the middle of the night to the sound of Emmitt eating Griffey's food.  At his fattest he was probably 23 pounds of loving, purring kitty.

Last summer he was sick and I thought we were going to have to put him down, but he rallied and we got another good year out of him.  However, about 10 days ago I discovered a huge, hard lump over his eye.  In the days that followed he lost a significant amount of weight.  For the last three days he hadn't come out of our basement, and I went to see him last night and he would not purr.  Greg got home to check him out, no doubt thinking I was exaggerating, and even he was a little teary-eyed when Emmitt wouldn't purr for him either.

So today, Greg took Emmitt to the vet and now he's gone.  He was obviously very sick and I am confident it was the kind thing to do, but that doesn't make it any better.

Good-bye, sweet fat Emmitt.  You will be missed.

He loved to sleep on his back and just splay out

Uncle!

Today is the first day since starting chemo that I have stayed home from work because I was sick.

This morning I woke up at about 3:00 in the morning, achy and with really bad chills and congestion.  I didn't really fall back to sleep.  At about 6:00 I was wrestling with whether or not to go to work (I had two court appearances and I didn't want other people to have to cover for me)...

I decided to take my temperature and let that be the deciding factor.  It was about 100 degrees.  I'm supposed to call in if I hit 100.2, especially if I have chills, etc.  SO: at 100 degrees I decided that staying home was the best plan because what I didn't want to do was push it at work and end up in the hospital for the weekend!

Before this all started, I actually envisioned many days like the one I've had today: snoozing and catching up on my DVR'd shows.  So, I suppose that the fact I've made it four months without taking an actual full sick day is something of an accomplishment...

Today I also discovered the joy of Starbucks' new Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino.  Even though I feel like crap I cannot recommend this highly enough.

G gets home tonight, and I'm hopeful that I'll be feeling better by tomorrow.  ESPECIALLY since Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be around to spoil me with Frappuccinos and all the other great stuff they're doing for us!!!!

Pill Popper

It's my "off week" this week which means respite from the AC and no trips to the drip-drip lounge!

First, the good news: the Pepcid that Dr. Chui recommended has helped tremendously.  Now when I wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn at least it doesn't also feel like someone is holding an open flame to my esophagus!  Additionally, the special mouthwash(es) he prescribed to help with the mouth sores keep my gums nice and numb and I've not noticed any new flare ups there so another plus.

Now, the not as good news: I continue to fight a cold (or something) so my coughing is still quite annoying and it's definitely...productive...and I'm achy-achy-achy so I am now on a steady diet of Tylenol and Ibuprofen (I like to change it up from time to time.....I have no medical basis for doing this....).  The pills help me get through the days and nights but I find myself really having to push through it at times.  I obviously have no sense of how much of the achiness is just chemo related vs. fighting a cold...nor do I know if I'd have the same cold if I weren't on chemo.  I don't know that it matters one way or the other, because it's just one big ball of suck.

Fortunately, my parents have been staying at the house this week while G is on his annual golf trip with 11 of his closest friends.  I truly could not do it without them!  My Dad is the handyman that G & I are not: the vacuum filters are being replaced and cleaned (those of you with animals know how pet hair can really make your vacuum stinky), our exterior faucets have all gotten new washers so they don't leak anymore, the yard is watered, etc.  As O says, "Gwandpa can fix ANYTHING!"  My Mom is like the world's best cleaning lady--there is not a spot anywhere to be found in our house, the laundry is done, the meals are cooked, O is bathed, changed and entertained....We really appreciate everything they have done and will do during this time (and, frankly, before I had The Big C...and undoubtedly once I'm done with the Big C...)

I have my appointment with the plastic surgeon in two weeks so I should know more about what I'll be doing in that department, and I'm scheduled for another mammogram, ultrasound & meeting with Dr. Naik two weeks after the chemo is done.  I've got an OR reserved in my name for Friday, October 28th so assuming I stay on track that will be the next big thing!

Dr. Chui says I could probably even do it the 21st because I've been doing so well, but with his blessing I've opted to join G in Chicago for a long weekend.  It will be our first trip away together without O EVER (can you believe that?!?!?!) and I think it will be nice for us to have a little time between the chemo and the surgery...and bonus!  I found out my sorority little sis who is from Chicago will be in town that weekend too!  So I'll get to see miss liz and she'll help me fill the time while G and his co-workers are in meetings. 

I guess that's about it from here.  I'm  hanging in there but it IS harder, I definitely don't feel as good as I did before, but I'm halfway through the AC and closer and closer to the finish line at this point so I'm trying to focus on that.

Peace out!

Labor Day Weekend

Thursday the first was my second treatment with A/C.  I must admit, with the Taxol I didn't look forward to chemo, but I also didn't dread it.  It was something to get under my belt and be done with!  The A/C, on the other hand, is a bit harder to go in for.  It's like you just start to feel normal, and you have to go back in...knowing that it's going to take the wind out of you...

But in I went.  I got to see Dr. Chui, who checked out the tumor and says he thinks it's right around one single centimeter now.  Since I started at over three centimeters, I'm pretty happy with the progress.  While there, we talked about my side effects and now I have more stuff to help with that--a "magic mouthwash" to help with the sores in my mouth and Prilosec for the heartburn (which Dr. Chui thinks may be contributing to the cough as well)...the mouthwash is weird...it does not taste great and has a weird viscosity, but it numbs things up nicely so that's good.

Friday I worked, and then popped back to OHSU for my Neulasta shot.  Mmmm, nothing like a nice dose of E.Coli to get the bone marrow working overtime!  Loves it.

Thursday G's mom arrived to visit for the long weekend.  She, along with my parents, babysat O on Friday and then we all had dinner at Nostrana.  Delicious.

This morning we got up early for breakfast at Slappy Cakes, then it was off to the Big Slide, and the grocery store.  Naps for O and I followed...mine was not as long, but I laid around longer for sure.  And now I'm typing this blog to let you know that I'm hanging in there!  In fact, I think getting up and being active in the morning might have helped a bit.  We'll see how tomorrow goes...and the day after that......

OH!  And I should send a special shout out to co-worker NV who took a trial from my caseload this week.  Technically, he issued it before I took over his caseload, but he nonetheless delayed his paternity leave by a few days to help a sister out so: THANKS NV, and congrats on the win.

Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes

Okay, okay, chemo, I GET IT: you suck!

The rumors about A/C are true--it is a rough ride.  On the plus side, I'm only in my first week so I have all the cumulative effects to look forward to (she wrote, sarcastically)!

For fun, I thought I'd review from head to toe what this chemo is doing (and, beware fair reader--there may occasionally be more information than you wish...)

So starting up top:

Obviously I have lost my hair.  I'm not cue-ball smooth, I still have random long wispy hairs that make me look weird.  The hair loss has extended to a significant loss of eyebrow and lash.  I am getting better at drawing in my brows.  The eyelash loss is weird, because now when I put eyeliner on it just goops right down into my eyeball if I'm not careful.  I have to say, wearing contacts is more challenging.

Nose--hair loss also extends to inside the nostrils.  Great for not having to trim nose hair, but not so great when you consider that we all have a naturally occurring post-nasal drip and I have nothing to catch mine.  So I have a runny nose and annoying cough most of the time!  Awesome!

Mouth--mouth sores and the occasional weird metallic taste.  Food taste is dulled as well--not that I can't taste food, I can--it's just not as tasty as I'm used to.

Skin--still enjoying the breakouts from the 'roids, although I think the graduated introduction of the steroids (taking them over the course of 4 days instead of 2) has helped a little bit with that. 

Hands--my nail beds have dark bruises in them, and they are very tender.  Additionally I have fumbly-fingers and numbness (neuropathy is one of the chemo side effects that can remain permanent--YEAH for ME!).  Little things, like being able to type quick and effectively, are slowed down.  Which is particularly annoying to me because I like to be able to type fast!

Gastro-intestinal--let's just sum this up by saying things are S-L-O-W in this area.  I have to take supplements to keep things rolling, which is not always comfortable.  Additionally, in the last 24 hours I have had wicked heartburn. 

Feet--also starting to feel the neuropathy a bit, though not anything like the hands. 

Overall, I feel like I have 100 pound weights strapped to me most of the time--it's just harder and takes more energy to move.  I also have a general cob-webby feeling in my brain that results in my not firing on all cylinders.  I don't like that at all.  The last two nights I've awakened at 3 am, unable to fall back to sleep until (it seems) moments before my alarm goes off.  Yesterday--for the FIRST TIME since this all began--I actually went home early from work just so I could lay in bed.  I didn't even really sleep (though I would have liked to--my dozing was interrupted by skateboarders on the street below us...I did not shoot them) but just laying there felt good.  I've also been pretty achy for the last couple of days so I'm downing tylenol / advil in an effort to get rid of the aches (which is working, I'm happy to report).

Now, a few "concessions" on my part: first, I'm not drinking enough water.  I really need to get better about this.  To that end, I ordered up some of that mint water online...I think I'll be more inclined to drink it that way.  Second, I have not been exercising (sorry, I'm not getting up even earlier when I'm waking at 3) and I suspect if I could get back on that routine I would feel better.  I NEED TO EXERCISE.  But I'm so tired.  It's tough--keep in mind that I'm still getting up and going to work 5 days a week, getting a 2-year-old ready for "school," bed, baths, etc. so it's not like I just lay around.  I'm active, but there's not much left in the tank after that's all done.  I did manage to water the yard Monday night, too...but I know Dr. Chui would be giving me a hard time (lucky for me the last several office appointments I've had have been with Nurse Practitioners who do not have the same high exercise standards!)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: I'm already 25% done with A/C, and I don't have to deal with it again until next Thursday, the 1st of September.  But I'm wondering what the next week has in store for me as regards the side-effects and, even more so, what the next 7 weeks have in store as the chemo accumulates. 

One other thing that I have to say about this is I can barely even feel the tumor anymore, which actually is awesome--no sarcasm at all there.  This would all be so much harder if it wasn't working on the cancer...

I promise that the next 7 weeks of blog posts will not be this whiny, I'm going to pull out of this funk, I will not let the chemo defeat me! and all that...but today...

CHEMO SUCKS!

The Same. Only Different...

So Thursday I started my new drugs: ADRIAMYCIN and CYTOXAN.

The pre- and post-treatment regimens are different.  When I was doing Taxol, I took 20 mg of dexamethasone steroids the night before my treatment.  As you may recall, the steroids were causing my breakouts so I was glad to learn from Dr. Chui that I didn't need to take them the night before anymore.  Unfortunately, I still have to take the dexamethasone--I take it along with Zofran immediately prior to my treatment, and then I take 4 mg each morning the three days following the treatment.  This is to attempt to fight nausea.

I also don't have to have the Benadryl before treatment anymore, which is great because I don't get all dopey.  I get an IV of anti-nausea meds (the name of which I forget) before I get the AC.

The "A" half of the drug gets "pushed" in over a 15 minute period of time manually by the oncology nurse.  She said this is really for people who don't have a port because the drug is so hard on the vein.  But the introduction of the drug is the same regardless.

As you can see, the drug itself is red...and the red gets into your system...

Next they hang the "C" half of the bag which gets pumped in over a half hour period.  So, although I'm getting two drugs now, it's faster than the Taxol was.  And I'm not a dopey mess afterwards!

The day after my chemo, in addition to taking the Dexamethasone, I have to go in for my shot of NEULASTA.

All in all, I would say that although I feel better the day of chemo thanks to no Benadryl, I do not feel better in the days following the chemo.  I am nauseous, though not vomiting.  I feel the same sort of spacey-dehydrated that I did before.  I'm puffier in the feet and hands.  And I don't have much in the way of an appetite.  I am eating, but I don't really want to...I'm also a bit more tired which is a bummer.  As I type this, G & O are out enjoying the Jantzen Beach Merry-go-Round.  I really wanted to go with them, but I couldn't get myself rolling.

I hope that resting through the weekend will give me the energy to get through the week.  And the bonus is, I have two weeks between these treatments to gather my strength.  PLUS: with only 4 treatments that means I'm already 25% done!

Life's a Beach

We went to the beach for the weekend to celebrate my being CHEMO FREE on Thursday.  My sister and her husband joined us for what we hoped would be a fun weekend!  It was their 10th wedding anniversary on Thursday so we were going to celebrate that, too.

G & B left early to get the place set up, and us girls and O followed after work.  The drive there was great, but we were already pushing things with O arriving almost an hour past his bedtime and still needing to get him dinner.  So, unfortunately, because his sleep schedule was so off he was very difficult to get to sleep that night...and as you parents of little ones know (and you parents of older ones can remember) once they're off their sleep schedule and in a strange place...well, to put it bluntly: you're screwed.  The biggest problem was that he was sleeping in his Thomas the Tank Engine tent, as opposed to being "locked in" by the bars of a crib or netting of a pack'n'play so he just would not stay laying down!  It was very frustrating and, as you might imagine, caused a little strain between Mommy and Daddy as we attempted to problem solve...but O is normally such a good sleeper that we are ill-equipped to deal with the opposite situation. SO: that was super fun.

Worse still, though, was that my sis and b-i-l got the call from his parents that their dog wasn't doing so well.  They have already had to say good-bye to one dog this summer, and Jack has been sick for a while, but still.  On Saturday night Jack passed away...so we had a sad Sunday morning. 

All that having been said, it really was still nice to get away, and Saturday (once we all got a little sleep) was great.  O had fun at the beach:

(it would have been more fun if Mom and Auntie F had let him shovel up the starfish, though)

and the grownups had fun on Saturday as well.  But I think it's safe to say we are all looking forward to our next weekend together when things will hopefully go more smoothly!

As for me, I am fighting a bit of a head cold.  Nothing major but I was a bit achy yesterday until I took a few Tylenol.  Hopefully by Thursday I'll be cleared up and ready for my 8 am appointment at the drip-drip-lounge and my new series of drugs.  As you recall, the A/C is going to be administered in 4 cycles every other week so if I stay on schedule I will have treatments 8/18, 9/1, 9/15 & 9/29.  On the Fridays after chemo I will have to go back to the doctor for my Neulasta shots...I had hoped I'd be able to self-administer the shots but unfortunately the insurance companies will only cover the cost if you go back in (which seems silly to me, but I've never spent a good deal of time trying to figure out insurance companies...)

Fingers and toes are crossed here in the hopes that I tolerate the A/C as well as I tolerated the Taxol...

Have a great week.

Is it All in My Head?

Yesterday was the worst I've felt physically since all this fun started.

My fingers hurt, my feet were falling asleep, my muscles feel like they've been over-exerted (they haven't), and I was bone-tired.....

I'm quite certain that this is mostly attributable to the cumulative effects of 12 weeks of Taxol, but I find myself wondering if some of it isn't at least psychological in the sense that I'm allowing myself a bit of a "let down." 

The only thing I can compare it to, and this will sound odd at first, is a murder trial.  When you try a big case (and in my office those tend to be the murder trials...) you spend months (sometimes years) thinking and preparing for it.  In the weeks leading up to the trial that intensifies as you would expect and then during trial you are going-going-going, burning the candle at both ends, etc.  Then just like that: trial is over.  Your whole body relaxes.  I remember after my first murder trial my much more experienced co-counsel advised me that I needed to up the Vitamin C and other preventative medicines because otherwise I'd probably get sick...  It's something I've seen in my colleagues as well when a big case is over, your body which has been working overtime just becomes exhausted...

And there are always other cases waiting for you, it's not like our work goes away, but for a few days you just want to completely check out.

So here I sit, feeling totally wiped out.  I am sure that most of that, as I said, is physically attributable to the Taxol itself.  However, I also believe that some of it is attributable to the fact that I am allowing myself to "relax" more.  I've been pushing and pushing through the Taxol, saying it's fine and I'm fine, and now that I'm done it's like I'm letting it all kick me in the a** at once.

I know that in a few days this will pass, and it will be onward and upward, but I think I'm going to allow myself to feel like this at least a little bit.  Maybe it's part of what I need to do to heal up in preparation for the next round of drugs that they start me on August 18th, which is supposed to be tougher.  I will receive two drugs at the same time for 4 treatments.  The drugs are called Adriamycin and Cytoxin.  Because they are more aggressive, I will also be receiving Neulasta shots during this series of treatments.  Neulasta stimulates white blood cell production in the bone marrow so it has the common side effect of bone and muscle pain.  (once again I find the thing designed to treat the side effects having its own crappy side effects!)

Instead of think too much about what is waiting for me around the bend, I'm going to just RELAX and be glad that the TAXOL is over, even if it means indulging myself in a few days of feeling a bit lower than normal.

DONE (with one....)

Thursday was my last day of Taxol!  To celebrate, I brought the nurses in oncology chocolates from   Verdun Chocolates in the Pearl.  Unfortunately, it was super crazy on Thursday, so I'm not sure any of the nurses really got to relax and enjoy the treats, but it's the thought that counts I guess.

Normally I would have posted this on Friday, but it was a crazy day at work.  After work, I joined my family at a fundraiser for Yolanda House, a YWCA Battered Women's shelter.  Yolanda's uncle is a long-time family friend, and she was murdered in the 90s.  Her family worked hard in the years after her death to  open the shelter and my family has done things to support it in the years since.  Last night was their first auction and I'm happy to report that they raised a lot of money for the shelter!  It also meant a late night for me last night so I am very tired today.

Nonetheless, I do have a feeling of satisfaction knowing that I've hit one milestone on this cancer journey...the next step begins August 18th and who knows what is in store then but for now I'm just going to be glad to be DONE WITH ONE!

Congrats to M & C!

On this Monday morning I am tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeddddd.  However, it is for a great reason: on Saturday we hustled out of town to attend a wedding in Central Oregon, then turned around and came back home yesterday.  I love Central Oregon so much, I am kicking myself that we couldn't use the wedding as an excuse to spend longer than a night there.

Congrats to M & C on their wedding.  We had a wonderful time celebrating with them.  O danced the night away and I just tried to keep up with him!  Sunday morning we awoke to baby bunnies and quail scampering about outside of our townhouse.  O really wanted to get his hands on one of those rabbits!!

Here is a photo of O & I at the reception:

Thursday was my 11th Taxol treatment!  ALMOST DONE (with that one).  The neuropathy is starting to be a real bummer during the weekends so I've started a supplement called L-glutamine to help.  I'm afraid I should have started it weeks ago, but we'll see if it helps at all now.

My other side effects remain minimal.  I did have another bloody  nose after the wedding on Saturday night, but such is life....

Friday we had dinner with friends and then O and their daughter played in a nearby fountain at one of Portland's famous parks. 

That's about it from here.  I am so excited to think that in four days I will be able to check one of the boxes off on my "Cancer To-Do List."

True Confessions

This purpose of this post is partially to shame me into exercise.

The last two mornings, though my alarm clock has gone off early, I have not gotten up to do my exercise. 

In the beginning of this adventure, I was doing a good 45-minutes of cardio each day.  That has morphed into less and less time, and instead of a walk or the elliptical machines it's become weight work and yoga.  Now, my heart still pumps when I do that, and actually I think keeping my muscle tone up is important (especially since I have a surgery in my future) so the change of the type of exercise isn't as troubling to me.

I need to get to bed earlier so I can get up and exercise!  If this pattern continues, I am going to have to request peer pressure.  Right now, though, I'm just telling on myself to see if that is enough of a motivator!

In other news, Dina came for a visit on Friday night--it was a quick trip but so great to get to see her...and be seen...I think she thought I'd be in worse shape than I actually am, so I hope her mind is a bit more at ease!  The only bummer was on Saturday I had...well, a more "common" side effect of the chemo that had me out of commission for a few hours.  She and G went and grabbed lunch while O and I napped so it all worked out in the end, but wouldn't you know the weekend I have a visitor I got a little bit sicker!?!  Murphy's Law, or something...

I also started taking a supplement to try to ease the neuropathy.  It was suggested to me by the blogger at www.butdoctorihatepink.com and Dr. Chui said it cannot hurt and it might help so I should give it a try.  I really need it in powder form, which I ordered and am expecting to receive today, but in the meantime I'm taking some capsules.  We will see how it goes.

The latest fear:

Yesterday I went to Nordstrom to get special makeup / brushes to better fill in my thinning eyebrows....

...the lady at the Anastasia counter there (http://anastasia.net/) could not have been nicer helping me pick out the right colors, brushes, and she spent a few minutes showing me how to give myself eyebrows.  Still, I have some concerns that I'm not going to be as good at it as she is....




Tomorrow I will work in the morning, and then head out for the ELEVENTH round of Taxol fun!  It's exciting to be so close to the end of one stage of the race.  I hear that right now I'm on the flat level of the course, and the A/C stage has a lot of hills......here's hoping I've gathered enough speed going into them that I will make it up the inclines without stopping.  (That's a little analogy for you Tour de France fans...)

What do you say?

On Wednesday at work, my co-workers and I were laughing because they didn't know what to say to me about my chemo day off.  "Have fun"?  "Have a good day"? 

I realized that there are few things you can say to send a person off to chemo, but I came up with at least one that I think is about as good a wish you can give someone: "Hope they only have to poke you once!"  I'm lucky because I have a port, but even with that I've had one nurse have to try twice...but it's the people without ports who really deserve that wish the most.  I don't know how they do it! 

So the 10th (of 12) round of Taxol is done and I'm still plugging along with all of the same complaints as before and no new ones.  Guess I can't ask for much more than that, can I?

And a little dose of perspective this week: one of my second cousins once removed lost her husband this week.  J was a very active outdoors-man who owned a scuba diving shop in the Eugene area.  About 5 years or so ago he was scuba-diving in the rivers down there when an ex-con who was not altogether with it believed he was a nutria in the water and shot him in the head.  J recovered from that incident, but was not able to fully re-engage in many of the activities he loved so much.  Then earlier this year, a motorcycling accident resulted in a severely shattered ankle and foot.  Apparently, this resulted in a lot of depression and yesterday he took his own life.  So what do you say to S and her three beautiful kids?  There really are no words except we love you all and this totally sucks. 

If any of that branch of our family tree is reading this (and I doubt that you are right now...) please know that we are thinking of you all!!!!  Many hugs and thoughts are heading your direction.

That's about it from here today.  Looking forward to a dear friend's visit this weekend, and O is looking forward to another slumber party at Granny and Grampa's, this time in his Thomas the Tank Engine Tent!

Enjoy your weekend and Enjoy Life, please!

So Busy!!

Sorry it's been so long since I've caught up.  I'm still doing okay, I'm just much busier than I have been in quite a while thanks in large part to my new assignment at work.

Last week I did enjoy catching up with an old friend, Kate, who is a BC survivor.  I have to say, there is something about talking to someone who's "been there, done that" that is very therapeutic.  That is not to suggest that talking to all of my wonderful friends who haven't been there isn't, but as you would expect, it is different...

Saturday O & I wished cousin Ava a happy second birthday at her carnival-themed party!  We went there with my parents, and then they took him home for a slumber party.  I hear he met some old friends of the family while he was there on Sunday.

Meanwhile, G spent the weekend at a motorcycle safety course and now he has his motorcycle driver's endorsement on his driver's license.

In other news, some friends from work have organized meal deliveries every Monday and Wednesday.  It started last week, and so many co-workers signed up that we will have dinners dropped off into October.  It is so humbling and amazing to us how many people have stepped up to the plate, and it is a huge help to us!  The rules include our not needing to write personal thank you notes (also very helpful) but there was no rule against thanking people here!!! So: THANKS, everyone!