True Confessions

This purpose of this post is partially to shame me into exercise.

The last two mornings, though my alarm clock has gone off early, I have not gotten up to do my exercise. 

In the beginning of this adventure, I was doing a good 45-minutes of cardio each day.  That has morphed into less and less time, and instead of a walk or the elliptical machines it's become weight work and yoga.  Now, my heart still pumps when I do that, and actually I think keeping my muscle tone up is important (especially since I have a surgery in my future) so the change of the type of exercise isn't as troubling to me.

I need to get to bed earlier so I can get up and exercise!  If this pattern continues, I am going to have to request peer pressure.  Right now, though, I'm just telling on myself to see if that is enough of a motivator!

In other news, Dina came for a visit on Friday night--it was a quick trip but so great to get to see her...and be seen...I think she thought I'd be in worse shape than I actually am, so I hope her mind is a bit more at ease!  The only bummer was on Saturday I had...well, a more "common" side effect of the chemo that had me out of commission for a few hours.  She and G went and grabbed lunch while O and I napped so it all worked out in the end, but wouldn't you know the weekend I have a visitor I got a little bit sicker!?!  Murphy's Law, or something...

I also started taking a supplement to try to ease the neuropathy.  It was suggested to me by the blogger at www.butdoctorihatepink.com and Dr. Chui said it cannot hurt and it might help so I should give it a try.  I really need it in powder form, which I ordered and am expecting to receive today, but in the meantime I'm taking some capsules.  We will see how it goes.

The latest fear:

Yesterday I went to Nordstrom to get special makeup / brushes to better fill in my thinning eyebrows....

...the lady at the Anastasia counter there (http://anastasia.net/) could not have been nicer helping me pick out the right colors, brushes, and she spent a few minutes showing me how to give myself eyebrows.  Still, I have some concerns that I'm not going to be as good at it as she is....




Tomorrow I will work in the morning, and then head out for the ELEVENTH round of Taxol fun!  It's exciting to be so close to the end of one stage of the race.  I hear that right now I'm on the flat level of the course, and the A/C stage has a lot of hills......here's hoping I've gathered enough speed going into them that I will make it up the inclines without stopping.  (That's a little analogy for you Tour de France fans...)

What do you say?

On Wednesday at work, my co-workers and I were laughing because they didn't know what to say to me about my chemo day off.  "Have fun"?  "Have a good day"? 

I realized that there are few things you can say to send a person off to chemo, but I came up with at least one that I think is about as good a wish you can give someone: "Hope they only have to poke you once!"  I'm lucky because I have a port, but even with that I've had one nurse have to try twice...but it's the people without ports who really deserve that wish the most.  I don't know how they do it! 

So the 10th (of 12) round of Taxol is done and I'm still plugging along with all of the same complaints as before and no new ones.  Guess I can't ask for much more than that, can I?

And a little dose of perspective this week: one of my second cousins once removed lost her husband this week.  J was a very active outdoors-man who owned a scuba diving shop in the Eugene area.  About 5 years or so ago he was scuba-diving in the rivers down there when an ex-con who was not altogether with it believed he was a nutria in the water and shot him in the head.  J recovered from that incident, but was not able to fully re-engage in many of the activities he loved so much.  Then earlier this year, a motorcycling accident resulted in a severely shattered ankle and foot.  Apparently, this resulted in a lot of depression and yesterday he took his own life.  So what do you say to S and her three beautiful kids?  There really are no words except we love you all and this totally sucks. 

If any of that branch of our family tree is reading this (and I doubt that you are right now...) please know that we are thinking of you all!!!!  Many hugs and thoughts are heading your direction.

That's about it from here today.  Looking forward to a dear friend's visit this weekend, and O is looking forward to another slumber party at Granny and Grampa's, this time in his Thomas the Tank Engine Tent!

Enjoy your weekend and Enjoy Life, please!

So Busy!!

Sorry it's been so long since I've caught up.  I'm still doing okay, I'm just much busier than I have been in quite a while thanks in large part to my new assignment at work.

Last week I did enjoy catching up with an old friend, Kate, who is a BC survivor.  I have to say, there is something about talking to someone who's "been there, done that" that is very therapeutic.  That is not to suggest that talking to all of my wonderful friends who haven't been there isn't, but as you would expect, it is different...

Saturday O & I wished cousin Ava a happy second birthday at her carnival-themed party!  We went there with my parents, and then they took him home for a slumber party.  I hear he met some old friends of the family while he was there on Sunday.

Meanwhile, G spent the weekend at a motorcycle safety course and now he has his motorcycle driver's endorsement on his driver's license.

In other news, some friends from work have organized meal deliveries every Monday and Wednesday.  It started last week, and so many co-workers signed up that we will have dinners dropped off into October.  It is so humbling and amazing to us how many people have stepped up to the plate, and it is a huge help to us!  The rules include our not needing to write personal thank you notes (also very helpful) but there was no rule against thanking people here!!! So: THANKS, everyone!

A Tough Day

Today is a tough day for me.

A year ago today my family lost my Aunt Allison to cancer.  Her cancer was much, much different than mine--it started in a different place and metastasized before she even knew she had it.  Allison was one of my favorite people, ever.  She was a mother to three of the MOST FANTASTIC KIDS you could ever hope to meet.  One of the last things she and I talked about was my sadness knowing she would not be around to coach me as I raised O...

O & Great Aunt Alli, 9/09

This sad anniversary has got me thinking a lot about "attitude."  Since my own diagnosis, many people have offered me words of encouragement regarding my toughness, my ability to "kick cancer's ass," and so on.  And while I agree that attitude is important, I also realize that if cancer wants to kick my ass it will and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  NOBODY was tougher than Allison, NOBODY wanted to live more than Allison, and NOBODY had more of a can-do attitude than she did, but metastatic cancer takes NO prisoners and attitude can't help you. 

NOW: does attitude help when you're going through chemo and you have a good prognosis for total recovery?  YES.  No question.  Does attitude help on the days you don't want to get out of bed?  YES.  Absolutely (so does a 2-year-old, as I have mentioned before).  So it's not as if I don't understand why people offer those words of encouragement, and I agree that being TOUGH and having a good ATTITUDE certainly can't hurt...

Last night, my Cancer Buddy Ginny (Happy Birthday to her, by the way--the one GOOD thing about today!) sent me links to a few other blogs she found.  One of them, http://www.butdoctorihatepink.com/ really spoke to me.  The author was diagnosed with a different kind of Stage II breast cancer back in 2009.  It was interesting reading her first several posts because in a lot of ways it was like re-reading mine...her path has been different than mine by virtue of her cancer being different than mine, but she did the surgery, she did the chemo and she was "clean."  Her ATTITUDE was great, and clearly she is one TOUGH person.  In May of this year, though, she was noticing some discomfort and, unfortunately, tests revealed that the cancer had metastasized to her liver.  She has moved into the realm of "treatable but not curable" Stage IV cancer.  Guh.  I'm going to keep reading her blog and I would encourage you to do the same (her most recent post as of today is about something called a "pinc box" and is worth a read and action for sure!)

Kicking around in all of this talk about ATTITUDE and TOUGHNESS is the fact that ESPN is in the midst of their annual "Jimmy V Foundation Auction."  (http://www.jimmyv.org/index.php)  The foundation is dedicated to the memory of a college basketball coach who lost his own battle with cancer, and all donations go to cancer prevention research (a discussion for another day: cancer prevention vs. cancer cures...)  In 1993 he gave a speech that has always brought tears to my eyes when I see/hear it, but on this TOUGH DAY it just seems worth a listen.  Check it out (but grab a kleenex first).

JUICED

With each passing week of treatment the side effects make themselves a bit more noticeable but I'm still doing okay.  My nail beds are really bugging me today with some tenderness, but otherwise things are basically the same.

So today I have decided to complain, for just a few minutes, about steroids.

I take steroids the night before my treatments and then right before treatment as one way to counteract the chemo side effects.  Which is good.

What is bad, however, is that the steroids are the reason Dr. Chui believes I am in a constant state of break out.  I am broken out everywhere: scalp, face, neck, chest, back...I feel like I'm junior high school again. 

I think it's totally unfair that I have to be bald AND have zits on my  head. 

There's not much that I can do about it, either, because it's my body's way of detoxing the chemicals.  I try to use a combination of skin care techniques but nothing really works to make them stop appearing or go away quickly...

So, when you see me next time just know I KNOW about the situation, and am just doing my  best to pretend it's totally natural.

8th Round Down: that's 75%!

Still tolerating the Taxol fairly well.  No new side effects have reared their ugly heads.

Yesterday my Dad got to be my chauffeur to and from the Drip-Drip Lounge--his first trip now that the Oregon Legislature is out of session.

Sam also came by for what will be her last visit I'm both excited and sad to say.  You see, Sam is going to have her baby this weekend if not sooner!!!  Her due date was either June 30 or yesterday, depending on which doctor's assessment she chose to believe, but they are going to get her rolling over the weekend!  Since there are no kids allowed in the transfusion area, I won't be seeing Sam again there but hopefully we can meet up before one of my appointments or something at a more child-friendly location so I can meet Baby C!  So excited for Sam and Mazyar!!

There really is nothing else to report from here.  Mellow weekend ahead--a birthday party for JW tomorrow and then we are wide open.  I am looking forward to another sunny weekend--it helps keep me smiling.

Enjoy your weekend, too!

The Best Part of the Holiday Weekend (she wrote, sarcastically)....

As I rushed to put up my update this morning I realized I forgot the most horrendous part of my holiday weekend!  (Perhaps it is a result of the "chemo brain" they warned us about in class...I truly am not firing on all cylinders these days.)

ANYWAY: went to the store with O on Sunday--he absolutely loves to sit in the cart and be pushed around!!  We were innocently walking past the eggs when a woman in her 60s or 70s (I'd guess) stopped me, asking if I was "going through something?"  (Uh, yeah, is the bald head a giveaway on that or what?  It is "Portlandia" but still...)  I replied I was, and she looked at O, her eyes welling with tears, and said, "And this is why you are fighting."  She then hugged me.  For a L O N G time.  Then she stroked O's face (even at age 2 he was totally weirded out by by this encounter).

Then she approached a man and his daughter who were behind us and asked that little girl, "Is that your Mommy?" and the man and girl quickly (and probably happily) replied, "NO!"


I know that this woman was being nice, and probably has been touched in some huge way herself by cancer.  I'm not angry or even irritated by her gesture, but it is so NOT ME. 

I also know that those of you who know me would find this little story amusing so I had to share.  

Hanging In

As I start this short work week (yay!) I am so happy to report that I still have not had the "worst" of the side effects of chemo...but I am starting to have other side effects.

Last night, while giving O his bath, I got my first bloody nose.  It wasn't particularly bad nor did it last a long time, but it was upsetting because it's a side effect.

I am starting to notice that my fingers and toes are having the numbness / tingling that were promised.

I have some general aches and pains though nothing debilitating, and I am tired.  What is bizarre, though, is despite the fact that I'm tired, I'm not SLEEPING all that well.  On the weekends I'll lay down when O naps and I may snooze for 10-15 minutes but that's usually all I can do.  At night I find my sleep is more disturbed of late.  I do think that's the result of being congested (still fighting that cold) but it is frustrating.  I do take 0.5 mg of Lorazepam every night to help, and I'm still exercising which I would expect would also help (and probably does) but I can't remember the last truly solid night's sleep I got...

But enough complaining!  We had a fun weekend around town.  On Saturday my sister, O and I drove out to cousin Dylan's baseball game in Scappoose (and we drove by the old house).  On Sunday O and I worked in the yard (we have some strawberries and he loves to pick them!).  Yesterday we went for a long walk around the neighborhood (those hills are TOUGH with a toddler in a stroller, I say again) and we got the deck ready for a summer of outdoor dining. 

G & I enjoyed the many fireworks shows around the city from the view off of our master deck.  I tried shooting some video but the streetlights interfere with the picture and just doesn't do it justice. 

This time next year I'll be celebrating my own special independence and I am anxiously awaiting that milestone!  Until then, I just keep on hanging in there.

Taxol: More than Halfway Through!

Yesterday was my seventh session of Taxol which means I'm officially looking downhill at this drug!  Yay!  And still, while I have minor side effects and, of course, the much discussed hair loss, I have yet to throw up or experience tremendous pain, etc., so I consider myself pretty lucky in that regard.

Yesterday I also got to meet with Dr. Chui.  MY TUMOR IS NOW HALF THE SIZE IT WAS WHEN THIS STARTED!!  This is great news for two reasons: first, and most obviously, it means that the Taxol is working to combat my existing tumor.  Second, it means that if I in fact have any little micro-cancer-cells floating around my body looking to attach elsewhere the Taxol should be working on them as well.  Metastasis is a such a scary, unknown thing.  I doubt I will ever feel completely free of the worry that the cancer could "come back" or "spread" but because the Taxol is doing such a bang-up job I will worry less...

Today I am settling into my new office and assignment here at work.  I'll be working with our child abuse team handling felony physical and sexual abuse of an inter-familial nature.  In addition to the criminal cases I've always prosecuted, now I will also work with our juvenile department on dependency cases.   LOTS to learn but I have great co-workers here who are ready to get me up to speed (even if I'm working at a slower speed than normal...)

Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend.  Special shout out to Grace and her family, who will be celebrating her Independence from Leukemia this weekend!  What a milestone.  Many happy thoughts...