Is it All in My Head?

Yesterday was the worst I've felt physically since all this fun started.

My fingers hurt, my feet were falling asleep, my muscles feel like they've been over-exerted (they haven't), and I was bone-tired.....

I'm quite certain that this is mostly attributable to the cumulative effects of 12 weeks of Taxol, but I find myself wondering if some of it isn't at least psychological in the sense that I'm allowing myself a bit of a "let down." 

The only thing I can compare it to, and this will sound odd at first, is a murder trial.  When you try a big case (and in my office those tend to be the murder trials...) you spend months (sometimes years) thinking and preparing for it.  In the weeks leading up to the trial that intensifies as you would expect and then during trial you are going-going-going, burning the candle at both ends, etc.  Then just like that: trial is over.  Your whole body relaxes.  I remember after my first murder trial my much more experienced co-counsel advised me that I needed to up the Vitamin C and other preventative medicines because otherwise I'd probably get sick...  It's something I've seen in my colleagues as well when a big case is over, your body which has been working overtime just becomes exhausted...

And there are always other cases waiting for you, it's not like our work goes away, but for a few days you just want to completely check out.

So here I sit, feeling totally wiped out.  I am sure that most of that, as I said, is physically attributable to the Taxol itself.  However, I also believe that some of it is attributable to the fact that I am allowing myself to "relax" more.  I've been pushing and pushing through the Taxol, saying it's fine and I'm fine, and now that I'm done it's like I'm letting it all kick me in the a** at once.

I know that in a few days this will pass, and it will be onward and upward, but I think I'm going to allow myself to feel like this at least a little bit.  Maybe it's part of what I need to do to heal up in preparation for the next round of drugs that they start me on August 18th, which is supposed to be tougher.  I will receive two drugs at the same time for 4 treatments.  The drugs are called Adriamycin and Cytoxin.  Because they are more aggressive, I will also be receiving Neulasta shots during this series of treatments.  Neulasta stimulates white blood cell production in the bone marrow so it has the common side effect of bone and muscle pain.  (once again I find the thing designed to treat the side effects having its own crappy side effects!)

Instead of think too much about what is waiting for me around the bend, I'm going to just RELAX and be glad that the TAXOL is over, even if it means indulging myself in a few days of feeling a bit lower than normal.