OMG, You Look Just Like:

Since shaving my head, I've been told I look like:

Sinead O'Connor

Demi Moore (I wish!)

The Chick from the first "Star Trek" movie (I actually think this is the closest....)

In the category of "silver linings" I have lots of options come Halloween--do I go around burning pictures of the Pope?  Stuffing my bra and wearing camo gear?  Or shall I be a Trekkie's dream girl?

I Wish I Looked Like:

Natalie Portman--is there anyone cuter?  Seriously?

(If I dressed up like her in V for Vendetta on Halloween maybe I could get a "you look like Natalie Portman" thrown my way?)

And am GLAD nobody has brought this up:

Oh, Brit-Brit...

Finally, I'm often told that I am "lucky" to have such a good head shape for baldness.

(Depending on my mood, I may or may not be gracious about that compliment.)

But then I really think about it, and I guess it could be a lot more awkward:

Happy Wednesday!

Appointment with Oncologist and Chemo Session #7 tomorrow!

Slowing Down

I'm definitely noticing a greater lack of energy these last couple of days. 

Part of the problem is that I have caught a cold from O, so I am congested and have a cough...that, in turn, means I'm not sleeping as well as I have been up to this point....so I'm tired.  The good news in all of this is that I don't have a fever as a result of the cold.  Fingers crossed that remains the case!

Luckily, we were able to see our friends despite this.  Friday night we had a nice bbq and caught up with Alafair and others, and Saturday Christy and I had our spa morning.  Yesterday Christy, her stepmom and Jake came over for a light breakfast.  Jake and G played some Kinect, and then they were off to their next destination.  We took O to the park before naptime and then we all came home and rested.  Granny and Grandpa came over for dinner and O-time after that.

It's so nice to have parents who are around and can help out, and it is especially fantastic because O loves spending time with them so much.  I am able to get more rest, which is of course very helpful!

This week is my last one in my current assignment at work.  Starting Friday I will move to our child abuse unit.  I think it will be a great place to work, but it's a huge learning curve.  Luckily my co-workers have lots of experience and patience....

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy these last few days with my friends at the Hansen Building and hopefully get over this cold without any major drama!!!

6 out of 12: That's Halfway!!!

I am halfway through my Taxol treatments!  Hip-hip-HOORAY!

After this I start the AC Treatments (Adriamycin & Cyclophosphamide) which Dr. Chui says tend to hit harder (which I figured given that it's not a weekly regimen...)  I will have 4 cycles of this treatment over the course of eight weeks.

So far, I've managed to exercise 6 days a week, usually at least 30 minutes and often closer to 45 minutes.  In addition to my walking, I have re-discovered a good weight-cardio workout video I have that I think is a good one because it helps with muscle tone overall, something that is under attack by these chemicals floating through my body.

This morning, I woke up way too early (before 4!) but rested in bed until shortly after 5.  Got up, and while getting my workout accessories set up I dropped a 2-pound handweight on my right foot.  Really?  REALLY?????  I get up to exercise and this is how karma rewards me!?!?!  I'm proud to say that an obscenity-laced rant was avoided as I didn't want to wake G who was happily snoring away in the next room.

I'm looking forward to the weekend!  First, our friend and author Alafair Burke (http://alafairburke.com/) is in town to promote her new book Long Gone (http://alafairburke.com/books/long-gone/).  We will see her tonight at a bbq in her honor.  As if that's not exciting enough, our other dear friend Christy and her son Jake are visiting from the east coast as well!  We are thrilled to catch up with them--they moved away from Portland last year and despite the fact that since that time I've only beaten Christy three times out of 200 in our Words With Friends battles, she is just one of those great friends and supportive people who I am always grateful to have in our lives.

So, it's spa morning for Christy and I tomorrow....and then will just putz around in between their other visits with friends!

That's about it from here.  Have a wonderful weekend out there.  Summer is here and the sunshine is helping to keep me perky!

The Dome

People have started to be SO complimentary, I'm beginning to think I'll stay bald even after my hair grows back!  (I kid, I kid...but, seriously, some people are laying it on a bit thick)

Special thanks to my friend Sean who gave me great scalp maintenance advice.  He's one of the hottest baldies I know.

Bald is Beautiful!

Okay, so "beautiful" is a stretch, but now that I'm growing accustomed to my new look it's not going to be as bad as I feared.

Yesterday was my first day at work and I started off wearing a knit cap.  It was itchy, it was hot, and so when I returned to pack up my office (I'm  moving to a new office in a few weeks) I tied a bandana around my head instead.  The bandana is more comfortable, but obviously not something I can wear in court...

But I came to the realization yesterday that whatever I wear on my head it's obviously covering up a bald head.  So why not just be bald?  I will still wear hats when I'm cold or need protection from the sun, but I certainly don't feel the need to wear them while I'm sitting at my desk, for example.

Comments/Compliments I've received:
"You look adorable"
"It's darling"
"You still look pretty"
"It's not as bad as I thought it would be"
"You look like a lesbian...a pretty lesbian"
"It makes you look younger"
"What's going on there?" (pointing to head...needless to say, the inquirer had not heard about my circumstances despite the fact we have lots of mutual friends...I think I felt worse for him than I do for myself when I answered...)
and "It's growing on me--I think I actually kind of like it on you!"

SO: people are being very kind and gentle with me during this time which has helped a lot.

And the next time someone asks me what is up with my hair, I think I'm going to ask if they've seen "The Hangover" and then make an embarrassed face.  That's actually a lot more fun than the truth!

I'm happy to report that the hair loss is STILL the worst side effect I've had...I am getting more tired, and I have noticed my muscles feel just a bit weaker when I'm exercising but nothing too crazy...

It Was Nothing Like This, but IT IS DONE

As with everything else on this "adventure," the anxiety surrounding shaving my head was worse than actually doing it.  Greg says, "It doesn't look that bad."  I agree...but it is going to take some getting used to, so it will be a day or two before I post a photo.

5 Down

Yesterday was my FIFTH treatment of Taxol.  I have SEVEN more treatments on a WEEKLY basis assuming my body continues to cooperate (and then I move on to the next drug).  My white blood cell counts were back up in the more comfortable range yesterday, so I was quite happy about that.

I impressed my "hospitality nurse" John (there are nurses who get your vitals and get you settled, and then there is the nurse who actually pokes you, draws blood and gives you your drugs) with my iCancer App on my iPhone.  I can track all of my vitals at every appointment, and then it makes cool graphs like these:

(My Mom, who was balancing her checkbook with her solar-powered calculator, pencil and register was also impressed by this technology!)

The hair loss continues, and I think annoyance + noticeable baldness > vanity at this point.

Here is a photo of what it looks like if I run my fingers through my hair (and, honestly, this was not at its worst....because I have less hair now....):

And here are two shots of me this morning:

 

(Sorry...I tried to rotate these but can't get cooperation from my computer.  

It is not doing what I'm telling it to do!!!!)

So, this Sunday we are shaving my hair.  I'm still not sure if we'll do it at a salon or at home with O's clippers but I definitely want him to be a part of the experience so it's not super shocking to him.  He's managed to roll with the punches so far but I like to tell him what's going on and, when appropriate, have him participate.  The oncology nurse even offered to let me bring O for a session if I thought it would be helpful to him...as I think about it, though, I don't think it would be particularly helpful given O's age.  He doesn't need to see me poked and prodded and have blood drawn, and get dopey from the Benadryl...

In other news

I have managed to continue to get up every morning and get my walks in early.  Today was the toughest, and my walk was a bit shorter than other days...but hey, I took this picture:

And, of course, on Thursdays I still prefer to do my yoga / stretching / weights video in the house.  I don't know why, but I feel like it centers me for my day of chemo fun ahead.

Have a great weekend everyone, and Happy Father's Day to all you Daddies!!!!

Interesting....

A friend sends along a link to this article from the New York Times.  Some interesting points.  I don't agree with everything he says, but it is true that so often people just don't know what to say to someone like me in times like this!

I have also heard his book, "The Council of Dads" is amazing...a friend from college who lost his battle to (a far more sinister than mine) cancer mentioned it in his own blog last summer before he passed away.

Anyway, here's the article--what do you think?

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/12/fashion/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-sick-this-life.html?_r=2

Is ANNOYANCE One of the Steps of Grief?

In the last 72 hours, the hair loss has gone to an all new level. 

Saturday, I had the idea that I could shake out the loose hair before my shower and then not as much would come out during my shower.  Wrong.  It just pours out with everything I do.

Sleep?  Covers my pillows.
Wash?  Covers my hands.
Run a comb through it? Have the trash can handy to shake the loose hairs off.
Styling gel?  More hair stuck to the gel on my hands than gel stuck to the hair in my head.


Despite this fact, I still look like I have a relatively thick head of hair.  It is weird, because I cannot even accurately describe how much hair is coming out of my head.  Even now, as I type this, I can feel it accumulating at the base of my neck and it itches.

So: now I'm not so much crying over my hair as I am just TOTALLY ANNOYED BY IT. 

I am almost ready to just shave what's left, but vanity is still outweighing annoyance at this point...the question now is what will come first: annoyance or bald spots?  Either one will result in a date with the clippers.

The second question, then, is who is going to shave my head?  I'm kind of thinking about making it a family affair.  O seems to be understanding that Mommy's medicine is making her hair fall out, so I think I might let him help or at least watch (if I think I can keep it together...which right now I think I can...)  I want it to seem almost fun or funny to him when it happens.  On the other hand, here at work my neighbor has clippers right in his office and we could send out an email to all and probably more than one person would come shave their heads too...(men who already shave their heads, but still...I wouldn't be alone!)  Finally, I could go into a salon and have it done professionally...and I'm guessing for free because, really, who is going to charge cancer lady to shave her chemo head?

At any rate, I'm guessing by this time next week I will be bald.  It has been 36 hours since that thought made my eyes well with tears so I guess I'm doing better with that!! 

We had a great weekend--on Saturday G had meetings all day so I went for a quick run (my legs still hurt!) and then O and I had coffee at Starbucks and went to the Zoo.  After that, it was home for a nap and then off to KJ's graduation party.  Sunday morning, O wanted to "party with Daddy" so I stayed home to work on my knitting skills.  Then after Sunday's nap it was off to E's graduation party.  I was glad to make it to both parties, and am happy to report that while I do get tired and have some minor stomach upset I have still been spared major bad side effects (except for the hair).

I got up early this morning to get my exercise in.  I'm hoping that's a sustainable thing.  I actually prefer working out during the day in the basement here because I turn on the TV and just check out mentally, but vanity is winning again: now that I'm going to be hairless I feel even more compelled to have a healthy layer of makeup on (speaking of which: I think I'm going to have to learn how to paint eyebrows on...a skill I never thought I'd need to acquire!)-if I wear makeup and workout during the day then I have to either re-apply OR wash it off OR suffer more breakouts...so in a lot of ways it's just easier to get the workout over with first thing in the morning.  Like I said, I'm not sure it's going to be a sustainable thing, but at least it's during the summer and I'll be able to enjoy sunrises over the city, so I'm going to try!

ROUND 4 is In the Books!

Yesterday, in addition to my regularly scheduled chemo session I had my first check-up with Dr. Chui, my oncologist.

We talked about the studies I mentioned last week--specifically the studies about pain management in cancer patients...long story short, he thinks the studies are flawed and that traditional pain-medication and anesthesia in the fall for my surgery is just fine.  I have decided that's good enough for me!  I likened it to asking him to read a Supreme Court case on an issue--he'd be able to muddle through and figure it out but it would take a while.  Likewise, a medical study such as the ones about opiates are something I could muddle through but it took him a lot less time to do it, and he obviously has a greater appreciation for what data the studies relied upon.  As you probably know, a randomized, blind study that looks prospectively at an issue tends to be a more persuasive and accurate study than one that looks back at results which may or may not have other factors at play.  His specific example in these studies was: people with more tumors or bigger cancers have more surgeries and therefore more pain meds...but they are also more likely to have greater metastasis just by virtue of their cancer.  This makes total sense to me...

We also talked about my hair loss, which while consistent (this morning in the shower I had HANDFULS of hair) is still not noticeable to my friends at work.  I figure I have another one to two weeks before I need my hats!  Even though the hair loss remains tough for me (seriously, I need to add 10 minutes to my morning routine, just to pull the hair off my hands in the shower and during styling!) Dr. Chui said he worries more about his patients who DON'T lose their hair because he wonders if their body is processing the chemo differently in a way that could make it less effective.  I will try to keep that in mind as I rock the bald head this summer.  (Speaking of which, I saw an ad for "The Voice" on NBC last night and noticed that at least two of the female contestants are bald...so maybe I'm just in time for some hot new trend!)

In the event I'm reading this trend wrong, I also went to a local knitting store on Monday and got two skeins of yarn, some needles, and a Stitch n Bitch book to teach myself to knit.  (I have knit before...when I was like 10 years old...taught by one of my Aunties...) I'm doing my swatch now and have 5 rows of knit stitches and once I figured out purling I have about 4 rows of that.  I'm still not convinced the purling is right, but I'm going to play with it some more and probably show it to my aunties this weekend for some additional assistance.  

The chemo was not too bad yesterday--tiring as always, but actually I felt better this week than last and STILL NO VOMITING.  Dr. Chui says that my side effects will increase as time goes on, but so far so good.  And he also said he can tell I've been keeping up my end of the EXERCISE bargain.  Monday-Wednesday I was on the elliptical trainer for at least 45 minutes, yesterday I did my workout video in the morning, and this morning I got up early and did a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood.

The only bad news is my White Blood Cell counts have dropped considerably (not so low as to interfere with my treatment yet though which is good) so I do have to be more careful about germs....tough with a toddler in daycare!  I've talked with his teachers, though, and they're going to give us a head's up if there are any major things going around the room so we can decide whether or not to keep him home for a day or just make sure we're even more vigilant about hand-washing and what not.  I wish there was something pro-active I could do about my WBC (there are shots that I can be given if they are way low, but that's another deal altogether) only because I don't want to miss a single treatment.  I want to kick the cancer when it's down!!!  But alas, it's not like I can eat more protein and increase my WBC or something...so I just have to roll with it.  And, again, it means the meds are working so I have to just remind myself that my body is going to do what it's going to do and as long as I'm killing cancer I'll take the bad stuff that comes with it.

BUT THE BEST NEWS OF ALL FROM MY APPOINTMENT: MY TUMOR IS SHRINKING!  Dr. Chui measured it at about 3 cms before I started all of this and yesterday he felt it and believes it is now about 2 cms.  (We didn't do an ultrasound or anything for exact measurements, this was his opinion by feel, but he does do it for a living so I think we're close enough for government work, anyway!)  While he doesn't expect it to be completely gone at the end of the chemo, this is good progress and something he was very happy to tell me and I was very happy to hear it!

Happy weekend: we will be celebrating TWO high school graduations in my family this weekend, congrats to my cousins KJ & E on their accomplishment!

Today I'm Thankful For:

good health insurance.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/06/06/cancer-economics-idUSN0627669720110606

Drama Queen?

After Friday's post, I met a friend in NW Portland and we did some hat shopping.  I thought I'd better have a few caps at the ready for my impending baldness...

But my hair stopped falling out, and I was thinking to myself, "My hair is pretty thick...it could be a while before this is realllllllllly noticeable."

And then last night it started coming out again at a pretty good pace.  While I don't think it's necessarily "noticeable" right now, it is going to be sooner than I would like.  (So I guess my reaction wasn't as over-dramatic as I was feeling like it might have been...)

I am still sad, but the tears have subsided quite a bit from Friday's initial shock.  I guess I'm in the "acceptance" phase of my hair-loss-grief...but vanity is a hard thing to let go of!   Add to that a pretty nasty breakout I'm in the middle of right now and I'm annoyed...but this too shall pass!

This weekend was pretty mellow--Friday after hat shopping we had dinner with friends.  Saturday morning O and I walked around the neighborhood and then he went to "party" with his Dad and I did my "real" walk.  It was a beautiful sunny day. 

It's tough to complain about having to walk when I get to look out over the City.

After my walk, I went to a lovely baby shower for a friend, and then we took O over to his Granny & Poppop's house so he could play with all the new toys they've been getting for him.  He spent the night, so G & I went to "The Hangover II."  Another movie to escape from reality, made slightly less of an escape thanks to this trailer being shown before the film: http://www.movie-list.com/trailers.php?id=5050.

Sunday was a lazy day since we didn't have to get up with a toddler.  I worked in the yard, and then my parents and sister came over for dinner. 

And now begins another week!!  Still no major nausea to report, which makes me very happy.  So now it's time for my oatmeal and some water so I can get down on that elliptical trainer and EXERCISE!

I guess this means the medicine is working....

Yesterday at the end of Round 3 of chemo (that's 25% completion of first type of drug for those keeping score at home!) I did not feel well.  Pretty nauseous.  That nausea has continued to linger into this morning although no vomiting so it is still not all that bad.  I'm about to try a bowl of oatmeal and, assuming all goes well, will hit the elliptical soon after that.

For the past couple of days I've noticed some tingling and itching of my scalp.  I did not run out and buy Head & Shoulders, instead assuming this could mean the hair is starting to go.  And then this morning in the shower, a bit more hair than has been falling out came out.  And then when styling my hair this morning, more was stuck in my hands than before.  And now sitting here at my desk in the last half hour:

So it's going to happen.  A complete loss or just real thinning?  I'm not sure yet...but the realist in me says it's time to head to the hat store!  (With one of Greg's credit cards perhaps?)

And, yes, I'm crying.  I'll be fine, but right this second it sucks pretty hard....

Like Mother, Like Cancer

I am a lazy person, just like my cancer has been described.

Now, I have done some form of activity or exercise every day since I started chemo two weeks ago so I don't mean lazy in that regard (at least....I haven't been lazy....yet.)

However, there are certain things I am lazy about.  Last night, my Dad forwarded me an amazing email from a woman who is a BC survivor.  She included links to scholarly journal articles about chemo (titled:  "Designing an Individually Tailored Cancer Treatment Utilizing Advanced CTC [Circulating Tumor
Cell] Molecular Analysis"), and about anesthesia protocols during surgery and pain management after the surgery (basically, morphine and opioids, commonly used in all surgeries [and after] to control pain, fuel cancer cell growth through several different mechanisms.)

So here's the problem: I can't bring myself today to open these documents up, read them, and advocate for myself as I feel necessary.  I'm apparently too lazy!  Is this crazy?  I feel like it is!  I feel like I should be devouring any information like this (especially because this particular woman actually was treated by Dr. Johnson--the second opinion surgeon I really liked--who worked with the anesthesiologist to design a completely different pain medication plan for this woman...so I know she's not totally crazy!) and yet I cannot bring myself to do it. 

I am torn about what this means.  Am I lazy?  Or, have I chosen to turn over my care to people who are smarter than I am?  And if that's the case, am I being TOO trusting?  There's a part of me that feels like if I question too much I am going to personally offend my doctors.  I think this is probably silly, but these are the thoughts bumping around in my mind as I re-read the email sent last night.

My plan is this: next week I have office time with Dr. Chui anyway, so I'm going to forward him the email now and ask that we discuss it next week.  In the meantime, I'll try to rub the sleep out of my eyes, do some jumping jacks, and read what's been sent to me!


Oh, and I should at least mention that after having had it recommended to me by multiple sources, I am reading the Pulitzer Prize Winning "The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer" (http://www.amazon.com/Emperor-All-Maladies-Biography-Cancer/dp/1439107955) so I'm not a complete slouch.  It is an amazing book.  I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to learn the history of cancer and the evolution of the treatments of cancer.  It is not light reading by any stretch of the imagination, but particularly if you find yourself in my shoes (or knowing someone in them) it can be empowering to learn how far the medical community has come! 


This afternoon Round 3 of my Taxol begins.  I'm trying to start a Chemo Day ritual--in the mornings I have a vanilla latte from Barista (seriously, the highest-fallutin' coffee in a town full of high-fallutin' coffee) and a pastry from Nuvrei bakery. Mmmmmmm.  Delish.  I will keep this going unless/until the nausea ruins it for me (which it hasn't yet.  I spend a lot of time knocking on wood these days after such statements...)
 
My Mom is joining me for her first trip to OHSU's Lovely Cancer Center at the Center for Health and Healing.  She is in for a real treat: as soon as I'm hooked up my earplugs go in and I check out.  Season 2, Episode 9 of "The Good Wife" is waiting for me!


ttfn

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

In my chemo class a month or so ago I was told that if I were going to lose my hair I'd lose it two weeks into chemo and that it would all just come out with one stroke of the hand....

That would be tomorrow.

Yesterday, however, I was looking online at TAXOL SIDE EFFECTS and there I read that hair loss occurs 96% of the time and it can be thinning hair or complete loss and it said to expect to start seeing the loss after 3-4 weeks of beginning chemo.

I'm really glad I found that information online because had I made it past tomorrow without any significant hair loss I would have (probably incorrectly) assumed I was in the clear.

Now, as it stands, I'm even more expecting to lose some or all of my hair (96%?!?!?!  Those are not good odds....) and I'm looking online for knitting lessons and stocking cap patterns.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll become a prolific knitter who donates extra caps to cancer kids....only to have my caps rejected by an ungrateful, sobbing woman at a chemo class (inside joke).

So, if you have any suggestions for knitting lessons or stocking cap patterns, I am taking all suggestions.  I don't think I'm going to get a wig, and I think for the most part I'll just be bald, but for warmth I'd like a few cute stocking caps at my disposal and why not learn a new skill set in all of this?