What's Grosser than Gross?

Today was my last day of chemo: HOORAY!!!  More on that for another post, because the day was overshadowed significantly by another problem.

As I've mentioned before, I am going to lose my fingernails because of the Taxol's effects on my nail beds. A few weeks ago, the middle finger on my left hand was really bad, and I complained a lot because it was draining and, therefore, GROSS.

Here is a photo of my left hand, and you can get a sense of how the nails are separating from the nail beds:

On Tuesday morning, the middle finger on my right hand started to get that same greenish tint the left one had had weeks ago.  Only this time: no draining.  

By Wednesday, it was really becoming a problem.  Despite soaking it in warm salt water, there was no relief.  

THIS is Grosser than Gross!!!!

Late Wednesday afternoon, I emailed Dr. Chui, because I was ready to drill a hole in the top and relieve the pressure.  SHOCKINGLY, he was not a fan of my doing that....instead he prescribed some antibiotics.

Overnight, I slept with my arm elevated and while I did sleep (thank you, old percocet prescription from the biopsy!) I dreamt about the pain in my finger throughout the night.

This morning, I woke up and it was worse than yesterday.  Everything I did--coughing, moving, etc--hurt so badly I didn't know what to do.  I emailed Dr. Chui and told him that there had been little to no relief from the antibiotics and the pain was much worse.  Then I called my Mommy and cried.  I'm not too proud to admit that!

And these two pictures are Grosser than Grosser than Gross!

These photos actually do not do it justice--the swelling of the finger pad was so bad I thought that my skin honestly might split open!

Dr. Chui referred me to dermatology.  At first, they said they only had an opening at 4:00, but something magical happened between the oncology schedulers and the dermatology schedulers because I got a call at 10:30 asking me if I could get there within an hour?  Answer: YES, so off we went to dermatology.

I got shot up with lidocaine:

GROSSEST!  (My sister pointed out that this looks like a Halloween Novelty Finger)

And then they pried the the nail off.  Apparently, a noteworthy amount of goo oozed out if the 4 doctors' reactions were any indication.  I did not watch so I can't tell you for sure....

Now, the local anesthesia has started to wear off and the oxycontin I was prescribed is working, but my finger hurts.  It's not the same awful pain from this morning, but it's not good.  I can't tell you what it looks like, because it's covered up:

Tomorrow, in addition to going in for my last Neulasta shot, I will go back in to dermatology and have the dressings removed and they will check out my finger to make sure the infection didn't spread to the bone or surrounding tissue, and I'll get the results of the cultures so we can figure out the best antibiotic for me to take (in the meantime, I'm on two--one of which has a potential side effect of explosive diarrhea, so I'm also downing probiotic capsules and Nancy's yogurt like a crazy person).

It's just all so glamorous, isn't it?

Guuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh.....

This whole thing can be so frustrating sometimes.

After basically staying home Tuesday and all day Wednesday, I returned to work yesterday and I felt better than I have in several days if not weeks.  My co-worker, LF, pointed out that a little rest will go a long way and I conceded that fact...

Then at some point early this morning I was sort of awake-sort of asleep-but I realized I had the chills again despite having dreams about being in a too hot, stuffy room...not again, I thought.

Once Greg woke up I asked him to feel my forehead and tell me if I had a fever.  He said no.  Still, I thought I might so I got up and took my temperature.  100.7.  I.  Am.  So.  Annoyed.

So I got up, took O to daycare, and went into work to cover a hearing and now I'm back home in bed.  Special thanks to co-worker JC who is going to cover a late afternoon hearing for me so I can stay here in bed...and try to get better.

I have to say, though, that this up and down fever is getting really old at this point.  I would like it to stop.

That is all.

Options

As you know, this is a blog about breast cancer.  The phrase "breast cancer" is such a part of our consciousness and society with all the pink ribbons and everything that I almost forget that at its core this blog is about my boobs!

I've tried to be pretty honest and share my anxieties, complaints, good times and bad on this blog...I know a lot of people read it, friends of my parents, co-workers, a few judges....

Which is why I have to warn you now, reader, that this particular blog entry is going to be about

MY BOOBS

so, if reading about my boobs is going to make you uncomfortable, 

Today I met with the plastic surgeons and discussed my options.

Basically, there are two.

First, I could do a DIEP Flap Reconstruction, which would use my own tissue and fat from my abdominal area to re-build my breasts.

THE PROS:

• it would be all natural
• I'd basically get a tummy-tuck to boot
• I for sure could do it on the same day as my mastectomy

THE CONS:

• the surgery itself is 12-16 hours on top of the mastectomy
• I will be in the hospital 5-7 days assuming all goes well with the surgery
• as ample as I feel my stomach is, it really wouldn't result in a size upgrade
• the recovery time is much longer given the two surgical sites on my body
• it is not ideal if I am planning on having another child

Second, I could get implants.

THE PROS:

• I can go up a cup size (I should note, that when I said that to the surgical resident she replied, "Yes, so you'd be proportionate..." Not an ego boost!)
• I will be out of the hospital in a day or two at the longest

THE CONS:

• It is unlikely I will be able to do both on the same day--the plan would be to put expanders in (and go in once every week or so until the surgery to add liquid to the expanders) and then I'd have another out-patient surgery about two months after the mastectomy
• Implants should be replaced every 10 years or so

After talking with the surgeons and G, I've decided that for where I am in my life right now, the implants are the better option although I really really wanted to get it all done at once.  

At least the reconstruction is an out-patient procedure....and in general I think the recovery will be better.  O has had to deal with a half-energy Mommy long enough!

I was also told that I could do a DIEP procedure later in life if I wanted to change things out.  That gives me plenty of time to eat more Ben & Jerry's and go double-D!

Home Again, Home Again

This congestion is starting to really be a drag.

I am beginning to think my brain has sprung a leak!!!!

My nose is stuffed and I'm also coughing a lot which I think is more related to the runny nose than any indication that the infection has migrated to my chest...and while I don't seem to have a fever per se, I am achy again too.

So yesterday I went into work in the morning to cover my hearings and then came home and crawled into bed.  And this morning I woke up ready to head in, but I still don't feel great, so I decided to stay home again.

This is a weird feeling for me.  I tend to be a "death's door" sick person--meaning, I have to almost pass out in the shower or something before I'll call in sick.  But I'm trying to remember that even though this isn't a horrible cold, I need to do a better job taking care of myself to prevent it from becoming one than if I weren't going through all this other stuff....

Luckily I have great co-workers who are willing to help me out or this would be much, much harder.

So for now I'm just sitting here, waiting for my nose to stop running.

And despite not feeling 100%, I will go to my doctor's appointment today: my plastic surgery consult.  Hopefully I will have a clearer understanding of what my options are after today.

Don't Ask....

On Friday I ran into a defense attorney friend of mine who started to ask, "How are you doing?" but he stopped himself and instead said, "That's a stupid question--hope you're hanging in there."

I have to say, it was AWESOME to not have to answer that question.  Because here's the thing: I want to tell you I'm hanging in there, doing great, etc., and I think that's what you want to hear.

Truth is, every day after A/C is a struggle.  Not a 24-7 struggle, but as I've already described I'm exhausted and I just don't feel good.  Do I have the worst of the worst side effects? No.  Will I survive this?  Yes.  Do I need more and more help to make it through the day?  Yes.  Do I like feeling dependent on the kindness of others?  No.

Also, if I were going to start to tell you the truth about how I'm doing, there exists an ever-increasing chance I'll start to CRY when I talk to you about it, too.  Yep, I'm getting weepier by the day, just one more thing I hate about all of this.  I think the weepiness is directly correlated to the exhaustion.  I'm just raw and the defenses are completely down...

Speaking of weepy, my friend Janet ran with another friend today in the Race for the Cure with a sign that said, "Shuffling for Heidi."  Teachers in O's daycare class also walked the event today.  These sweet gestures ALSO make me weepy, but in a good way.  So congratulations and my thanks to the people who were at the race today maybe not just because of me, but who thought of me while they were doing it.  Next year I hope to join you.

High Maintenance

As I head out to my third A/C treatment I am realizing how high maintenance this whole thing is getting.

My cold continues to be an issue and I'm now coughing more than I was, though I feel better so that is good.  I haven't had a significant fever since Saturday (though I've had some low-grade fevers throughout the week) and that has been nice.  In an effort to help with all the extra nasal fluids Greg went out over the weekend and got me a Neti Pot.  Now that I have the hang of it it's not so bad but those first few attempts were no fun.  It does seem to help at night with congestion and coughing so I'll keep up with it.

This week my nails began to separate from the nail beds.  Hot.  Even more hot?  The nail beds are getting infected.  Most hot of all?  Dr. Chui assures me my nails are going to fall off since this is happening.  There is nothing to prevent that from happening at this point, but to keep the infections at least managed I am having to treat my nail beds with soaks of water and hydrogen peroxide a few times a day.

SO: add Neti Pot & Finger Soaks to the list including special mouthwash(es) four times daily, antacid in the morning, steroids in the mornings after treatment, vitamins, ativan & tylenol in the evening....and I'm one high maintenance chick these days!

Thanks to everyone for your sweet notes about Emmitt.  We miss him, but it was really the right thing to do.  He was at the end.

Otherwise things here are plugging along.  I will be glad to be done with today, even though it means by Saturday I'm going to be feeling bad again.

BUT I'll be able to tell myself: ONLY ONE MORE after today so that's something to look forward to, instead of just thinking about today's appointment with DREAD.

12 Good Years

In the summer of 1999 I graduated from law school, took and passed the bar, and moved back home.  I wanted a cat really bad and as luck would have it my Aunt and Uncle's neighbors had a pregnant kitty.

When I went to pick, I thought FOR SURE I was going to take one of the black kittens with green eyes and name her Scarlett, but then I saw the runt of the litter and I was smitten.  He was the tiniest silver and gray kitty ever, so I snatched him up and named him Emmitt (after Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys...who I would meet in 2006 and exclaim, "I named my cat after you!" like a crazy woman....)

As soon as he had his own food source Emmitt was a runt no more!  When Emmitt and I moved in with Greg and his golden retriever, Griffey (I thought it was pretty fateful that we had both named our pets after sports stars...) he REALLY packed on the L-Bs.  We would wake in the middle of the night to the sound of Emmitt eating Griffey's food.  At his fattest he was probably 23 pounds of loving, purring kitty.

Last summer he was sick and I thought we were going to have to put him down, but he rallied and we got another good year out of him.  However, about 10 days ago I discovered a huge, hard lump over his eye.  In the days that followed he lost a significant amount of weight.  For the last three days he hadn't come out of our basement, and I went to see him last night and he would not purr.  Greg got home to check him out, no doubt thinking I was exaggerating, and even he was a little teary-eyed when Emmitt wouldn't purr for him either.

So today, Greg took Emmitt to the vet and now he's gone.  He was obviously very sick and I am confident it was the kind thing to do, but that doesn't make it any better.

Good-bye, sweet fat Emmitt.  You will be missed.

He loved to sleep on his back and just splay out

Uncle!

Today is the first day since starting chemo that I have stayed home from work because I was sick.

This morning I woke up at about 3:00 in the morning, achy and with really bad chills and congestion.  I didn't really fall back to sleep.  At about 6:00 I was wrestling with whether or not to go to work (I had two court appearances and I didn't want other people to have to cover for me)...

I decided to take my temperature and let that be the deciding factor.  It was about 100 degrees.  I'm supposed to call in if I hit 100.2, especially if I have chills, etc.  SO: at 100 degrees I decided that staying home was the best plan because what I didn't want to do was push it at work and end up in the hospital for the weekend!

Before this all started, I actually envisioned many days like the one I've had today: snoozing and catching up on my DVR'd shows.  So, I suppose that the fact I've made it four months without taking an actual full sick day is something of an accomplishment...

Today I also discovered the joy of Starbucks' new Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino.  Even though I feel like crap I cannot recommend this highly enough.

G gets home tonight, and I'm hopeful that I'll be feeling better by tomorrow.  ESPECIALLY since Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be around to spoil me with Frappuccinos and all the other great stuff they're doing for us!!!!

Pill Popper

It's my "off week" this week which means respite from the AC and no trips to the drip-drip lounge!

First, the good news: the Pepcid that Dr. Chui recommended has helped tremendously.  Now when I wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn at least it doesn't also feel like someone is holding an open flame to my esophagus!  Additionally, the special mouthwash(es) he prescribed to help with the mouth sores keep my gums nice and numb and I've not noticed any new flare ups there so another plus.

Now, the not as good news: I continue to fight a cold (or something) so my coughing is still quite annoying and it's definitely...productive...and I'm achy-achy-achy so I am now on a steady diet of Tylenol and Ibuprofen (I like to change it up from time to time.....I have no medical basis for doing this....).  The pills help me get through the days and nights but I find myself really having to push through it at times.  I obviously have no sense of how much of the achiness is just chemo related vs. fighting a cold...nor do I know if I'd have the same cold if I weren't on chemo.  I don't know that it matters one way or the other, because it's just one big ball of suck.

Fortunately, my parents have been staying at the house this week while G is on his annual golf trip with 11 of his closest friends.  I truly could not do it without them!  My Dad is the handyman that G & I are not: the vacuum filters are being replaced and cleaned (those of you with animals know how pet hair can really make your vacuum stinky), our exterior faucets have all gotten new washers so they don't leak anymore, the yard is watered, etc.  As O says, "Gwandpa can fix ANYTHING!"  My Mom is like the world's best cleaning lady--there is not a spot anywhere to be found in our house, the laundry is done, the meals are cooked, O is bathed, changed and entertained....We really appreciate everything they have done and will do during this time (and, frankly, before I had The Big C...and undoubtedly once I'm done with the Big C...)

I have my appointment with the plastic surgeon in two weeks so I should know more about what I'll be doing in that department, and I'm scheduled for another mammogram, ultrasound & meeting with Dr. Naik two weeks after the chemo is done.  I've got an OR reserved in my name for Friday, October 28th so assuming I stay on track that will be the next big thing!

Dr. Chui says I could probably even do it the 21st because I've been doing so well, but with his blessing I've opted to join G in Chicago for a long weekend.  It will be our first trip away together without O EVER (can you believe that?!?!?!) and I think it will be nice for us to have a little time between the chemo and the surgery...and bonus!  I found out my sorority little sis who is from Chicago will be in town that weekend too!  So I'll get to see miss liz and she'll help me fill the time while G and his co-workers are in meetings. 

I guess that's about it from here.  I'm  hanging in there but it IS harder, I definitely don't feel as good as I did before, but I'm halfway through the AC and closer and closer to the finish line at this point so I'm trying to focus on that.

Peace out!

Labor Day Weekend

Thursday the first was my second treatment with A/C.  I must admit, with the Taxol I didn't look forward to chemo, but I also didn't dread it.  It was something to get under my belt and be done with!  The A/C, on the other hand, is a bit harder to go in for.  It's like you just start to feel normal, and you have to go back in...knowing that it's going to take the wind out of you...

But in I went.  I got to see Dr. Chui, who checked out the tumor and says he thinks it's right around one single centimeter now.  Since I started at over three centimeters, I'm pretty happy with the progress.  While there, we talked about my side effects and now I have more stuff to help with that--a "magic mouthwash" to help with the sores in my mouth and Prilosec for the heartburn (which Dr. Chui thinks may be contributing to the cough as well)...the mouthwash is weird...it does not taste great and has a weird viscosity, but it numbs things up nicely so that's good.

Friday I worked, and then popped back to OHSU for my Neulasta shot.  Mmmm, nothing like a nice dose of E.Coli to get the bone marrow working overtime!  Loves it.

Thursday G's mom arrived to visit for the long weekend.  She, along with my parents, babysat O on Friday and then we all had dinner at Nostrana.  Delicious.

This morning we got up early for breakfast at Slappy Cakes, then it was off to the Big Slide, and the grocery store.  Naps for O and I followed...mine was not as long, but I laid around longer for sure.  And now I'm typing this blog to let you know that I'm hanging in there!  In fact, I think getting up and being active in the morning might have helped a bit.  We'll see how tomorrow goes...and the day after that......

OH!  And I should send a special shout out to co-worker NV who took a trial from my caseload this week.  Technically, he issued it before I took over his caseload, but he nonetheless delayed his paternity leave by a few days to help a sister out so: THANKS NV, and congrats on the win.