You Say It's Your Birthday....

On Saturday I turned 39 without much in the way of fanfare...Friday my co-workers took me out to lunch (I had to wear balloons on my ears to get my free sundae....I guess that counts as some fanfare....)

Saturday morning I woke up earlier than I would have wanted to to go to the fertility doctor.  Then G, O & I went to "Playdate PDX" an indoor play structure that O particularly enjoys.  Naptime followed shortly after that, and then I had to run out to do Probable Cause Hearings for our office.  (About once every 18 months or so, we cover "PC Duty" in our office).  Our friends the Snowschroes joined us that evening--we had take out dinner, some nice wine, and cupcakes from Cupcake Jones to close out the night.

Sunday morning was another appointment at the fertility doctor's bright and early, then O and I went to my parents to see dear family friends who were in town visiting.  O loves to go to Granny and Grandpa's house especially because they live across the street from a park.  We played on the swings and slides while we were there and his Auntie Feather taught him what an "underdog" is on the swing-set (as those who know O can imagine--he loved it).

I heard from my friend who will be coming over to the house Tuesday to cut my hair.  I've been feeling oddly emotional about this.  On the one hand, I am loving the excuse to go super-short because I've often thought about doing it (while simultaneously fearing "mom hair"...I'm reminded of a scene from the season two finale of 30 Rock when Liz Lemon thinks she is pregnant and Jack says: "You're going to want to get a very short haircut. Resist that urge.")  Luckily my friend will NOT allow me to have Mom hair and I know it's going to be great....it's just that it sets into motion all of these other things I'm dreading.

This weekend was an emotional one for me, I think because it was my birthday.  I wanted Baby # 2 done and over with by my 40th birthday, and that's not going to happen.  In fact, assuming the fertility work is a success (there exists a chance none of the eggs harvested will survive this process....) my best case scenario for in-vitro is probably 2-3 years away.  While the eggs will be under 40, the rest of my body won't be, and it's just not quite what I had planned.

I also find myself morbidly worrying that it was my last birthday--which is, of course, HIGHLY unlikely given all that we know about the situation now (ummmm....can you even read the phrase "the situation" anymore without thinking of Jersey Shore?  I can't, obviously) but still it nags at me from the deep, dark corners of my mind. 

But mostly I think it's just this holding pattern: waiting for the advanced but relatively inexact science of these fertility treatments (and making multiple, very expensive trips to the doctor's office and pharmacy) to finish up so I can move on to the next step in this process.  I know it will happen sometime later this week, but still don't know which day.  Since OHSU has scheduled me for a couple of meetings on Thursday I'm fairly convinced that that will be the day of the harvest causing a scheduling conflict....

Once that's done, it will be time to schedule the day-surgery for my port-a-cath which I'm not excited about getting...having said that, though, my veins are already tender from all of the blood draws so I am glad to know there will be relief from that.

As I sat here writing this, I learned that my cancer is genetically aggressive enough to warrant my participation in the ISPY2 study if I choose to do it.  The nurse is emailing me the consent forms now.  Since I have tried (not always successfully) to take Kate's advice not to worry about the decisions not immediately in front of me I've only thought about this study in the most general terms.  Now I have to really read up on it to know for sure it's the right decision for me.  I did ask Dr. Wheeler (she of the 2d opinion) about what she knew and she was enthusiastic about the study, saying there's nothing terribly "controversial" about it and of course Dr. Chui at OHSU encouraged me to do it if I qualified the last time we spoke.

(I should note that this genetic analysis is NOT the same as the analysis that will determine whether or not I have the genetic mutation making me more prone to cancer....I should find that out later this week....)

All-in-all, I find myself being a little weepier these last handful of days.  I'm sure the hormones I'm forcing on myself don't help matters, but I think the fears of the unknown are the bigger culprit.

Still I know that it's all going to be fine in the end, I just have those moments where I let the self-pity get the better of me.