It's funny--I looked back at Monday's post and was surprised at how pathetic I sounded...I thought I was all better, and then today I went to my chemo class an--WHOA NELLY--I completely lost my composure about 5 minutes into it and then the floodgates were open. I cried BUCKETS of tears today--publicly--and I...Could. Not. Stop.
Oh, dear readers, I wish I could tell you that it was just me, Greg, and the chemo class teachers but NO, there was another woman with cancer who had her daughter, sister & husband there with her and they were making jokes and totally holding it together....and making sympathetic sounds when they would look across the table at me crying. And then the nurse would look at me sympathetically and I'd start crying again. Truly, truly awful. I totally blame the hormones!
IN OTHER NEWS:
Tuesday was the big haircut day and I am so grateful to my friend and retired hairdresser, Thi, for coming to our house and cutting my hair for me. It turned out really good. I'm still playing with the right mix of hair product and styling techniques but it's great....even if it doesn't last long! I learned today in chemo class that IF my hair falls out, it will fall out within two weeks of the first treatment and quickly...which I didn't really exactly know but I guess it's good to be prepared!
On Wednesday I heard from the genetics department that I am NEGATIVE for the genetic mutations BRCA-1 and BRCA-2...despite that fact I am still considering a double mastectomy. Here's my thinking: I'd get reconstructive surgery anyway so why not just reduce my risk of at least one area where I could develop cancer in the future? Greg is supportive of this because he thinks it will give me (and, therefore, US) some peace of mind after this is all over. I have talked to Drs. Naik and Chui about it and while they are clear it has no treatment effects on the existing cancer, and therefore it's not required, they are not actively dissuading me from it. It's something to think about, and nothing I need to decide today.
Today, in addition to the cry-fest at chemo class, Greg and I met again with Dr. Chui to review the treatment plan. It turns out that upon further review of my biopsy results I do *NOT* qualify for the ISPY2 study because my tumor is actually LOW-RISK--which is good news. Dr. Chui says that improves my chances of a complete recovery even more. It's also good news because the study required another biopsy. I will NOT miss that!
I begin my first course of chemo on May 19th. These treatments are weekly for 12 cycles. (Hopefully, it will happen weekly, but treatments can be delayed if I have severe side-effects). After that I start another kind of chemo which will be 4 cycles every two weeks (for a total of 8 weeks, with the same qualifier that I have to be tolerating it well). That should take us into September or October. Then, again depending on how well I do, I will have surgery no sooner than 3 weeks after my last chemo treatment....possibly longer.
I told Dr. Chui I'm going to Hawaii in December so we have to be done in time for that and I need to be in my new bikini!!!
One thing Dr. Chui emphasized A LOT today in our meeting was the importance of exercise during chemo, especially on the days when I just want to lay in bed. Unfortunately, I am one of the laziest people on the planet. Fortunately, I have a two-year-old who I will be able to take for walks around the block and get out every day. Greg has promised to join me. If you're local, maybe you can one or two days as well to keep me honest!
Finally, today is the last day I will have to give myself fertility shots (hooray!) I have to take my trigger shot at 11:00 tonight and then report for the harvest Saturday morning. I won't miss giving myself the shots although I fully acknowledge that a month from now I'm going to be wishing for just three shots a day and the hormonal side effects instead of whatever chemo has in store for me.
The good news is, the PLAN is finally in place. That certainty obviously settled in on me at about 9:00 this morning when I couldn't stop crying, but I'm feeling okay now.
By the way, I appreciate everyone offering to let me cry to them--but I really don't want to! I prefer to do my crying by myself...or, apparently, publicly in a room full of strangers!
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