Those of you who know me well, or knew me well, or probably have even just met me a handful of times know that I like to HAVE A PLAN. I don't like floating aimlessly through the universe waiting for something to happen...so right now is a little frustrating for me.
I know the very basic PLAN: finish fertility treatments, start chemo, do chemo for 16 weeks, wait about a month, have surgery, start estrogen inhibiting treatment for at least 5 years....but that's it.
I don't know the specifics, though, and it's starting to bother me, although there is little that anyone can do about that--it's not anyone's fault--it's just the nature of the beast.
So here is a (partial) list of the things I wish I knew:
1. When my fertility treatments are going to wrap up and the "harvest" be completed.
- Currently, I am giving myself two shots a day of different drugs: Menopur in the mornings, Follistim in the evenings. The shots go into my stomach fat like the other shots did (sparing my brave co-workers!). I'm going in later this morning to have another blood draw done which presumably will help inform the fertility schedule.
2. Will I have a port-a-cath installed, or can I look forward to a needle being jammed in my arm every two weeks (at least) to get the chemo?
3. Do I have the genetic mutation that makes me more prone to certain types of cancers? (I should know this sometime next week...if the "3 week" estimate given on 4/14 was accurate)
4. Will I qualify for the ISPY2 Clinical Study? (2-3 weeks until I know that)
5. WHEN am I starting CHEMO?
- And I guess, wrapped up in all the anxiety about the WHEN of CHEMO is the what's going to happen during chemo. I don't want to lose my hair but I know I will (so I'm getting it cut next week in a preemptive maneuver so as to not pull out long pieces of hair....). I don't want to be tired and cranky (Greg would probably insert here: "You mean, MORE tired and cranky than USUAL?" Yes, Greg....that's what I mean). I don't want to not want to play with Owen, or lose my patience when he acts like a normal two-year-old....I don't want to be a burden to co-workers who will have to pick up my slack for the next six months or so....I want to know what days I will feel my worst and what days I'll feel my best so we can PLAN fun days and outings so hopefully at least one of my good days will be a Saturday or Sunday....and on and on and on it goes.
6. Will I be able to have another baby?
- We are doing all the things to keep that option open but the reality is that the estrogen inhibiting treatments that are a critical part of the protocols for women who survive breast cancer are not something you can do while pregnant. I've been talking to Dr. Chui about this and I think we have a general plan that would mean trying in 2-3 years but I'll be honest, I was hoping to have a baby this year so I'm annoyed that my original PLAN is not going to happen.
...are you sensing a theme here? I need to relax and let go a bit, I know, but it's hard for me to do that. I don't think the hormones I'm injecting myself with daily are particularly helpful in this regard, either.
I know I need to keep the BIG PICTURE in mind: I will survive (and those of you who knew me when...well, who knew that ol' karaoke standby would be my midlife anthem? I thought I just needed to get through a bad break-up but now...!)...and I do....but I still can't keep from (occasionally) sweating the small stuff.
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